Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Charm City Confidential: If it comes with the couch, we'll pass

So I've been in touch with the Realtor in Charm City who the relocation people hooked us up with and he seems like a nice enough guy.  We talked about what we liked (two story, story-and a half) in a house and what we refused to go into (bi-levels and splits), and what we might consider (ranch) IF the place was amazing.

Bi-level houses are a mystery to us, especially when they are placed on flat lots.   They look like the house is sinking, and then there is the lonely front door that belongs to neither the first or second floor.

"Some people love them," sayeth the Realtor.  "What if I find a great one, why not just look at it?"

"Trust me, neither of us are bi-level curious," we respond.

We also aren't impressed by "tray ceilings" or tons of granite counter tops.  Nor do we need a master bath so large it could swallow a chaise lounge.  We also frown upon clothes closets that are accessible only through the bathroom.  What goes on in the bathroom needs to exit through the plumbing, or the fan. It doesn't need to lurk in our closets, too.  Vaulted ceiling great rooms.  That isn't going to make us swoon, either.

Of the first batch of houses he passes our way, five of the ten are contenders, three of the houses could work IF we can get the price down - in one case way, way, down, and in two of the houses we see nightmares. One is too large, and the other is just awful.  Actually, to quote Dorothy Parker, its just not plain awful, it's fancy awful.  Awful with raisins in it awful.

But the house that is too big?  Well, lets go back to that, because it had one feature that amazed us in the over-sized family room:

The worlds longest sofa.

The wagon wheel above the fireplace is something, as if the shelf way up yon.  But the King Family sized sofa takes the cake.

The husband was appalled.  "What the hell is that?"  After the shock wore off he said it reminded him of an object in a Dali painting.

"Dali never worked in plaids," I said.

"No, how it goes on forever... into the vanishing point," said he.  "I've heard of couch potatoes, but never a couch potato field."

While we haven't set our first trip to Charm City to officially shop for a house at the moment, if this house is still for sale in early July, we'll go look at it.

Says my six foot three husband: "I just want to stretch out on that couch."


  1. Call that bitch immediately and make an offer on the couch, tell her she can keep the house.

  2. We can all visit and sit comfortably on that couch, Cookie.

  3. my god, you could find a years college tuition under those cushions.

  4. My friend Bess said "Well obviously, its the TV room. It's the only thing you could do in that room. 'Sit here and pay attention over there. No socializing allowed.'"

    Seriously, you could work up a sweat passing the popcorn to the person on the other side of that sofa."

  5. Amazing. I would NEVER have thought of that as a solution to a long room....
    I would cut off the ruffle, mix some solid colors into the pillows and MAKE that baby work in the new scheme! I cant imagine someone would want to move that sofa....

    1. You'd have to use a yacht sail to make a slip cover for it.

  6. Maybe it's an optical delusion?

  7. But does the house come with the wagon wheel? If it does, I mean, it's a no brainer. I have never seen a couch that long and I have to admit I would find that fabric ugly in a love seat. How bizarre. I'm also not bi-curious. We looked at a couple of those once and they just didn't do it for us. We had a bathroom in our Vegas house (that was big enough for that couch... well not THAT couch, but A couch and other furnishings); it was absurd. And it was also a home in which the walk-in closet was only accessible through the bathroom. I didn't like that either. I want to go house-hunting with you.

  8. if i cannot have the most beautiful couch i will take the longest. This logic predicts very strange goings on in the kitchen, and kabuki doesn't even want to think about the bath.

  9. The room has potential. Love the hard wood floors. Get rid of the couch, you could amazing things with that room!