Just because you can, you shouldn't

 

Just because you can doesn't mean you should, mother always said just as I was about ready to jam a knife into an electrical socket.   

"The results could be shocking," she'd add. 

And here we have something that meets that definition.   Just like New Shimmer is a floor wax and a dessert topping, we have a can opener that is also a clock.

AND a TIMER!  And they say you'll love it. (Or else.)

Does anyone really need this? No.  But do we want one? Admit it: YES!

Because God only knows how badly Cookie needs a buzzer going off when it's time to open a can. 

"Honey, did you remember to open that can of green beans at 4:18?"

"Oh, sugar. No! It's 4:30. NOW the dinner casserole will really be late!"

And it's an accurate clock so I will never be late again!

"Honey, what time is our reservation at Chez Horrour?"

"I don't know, let me check the can opener!"  

How many times do you hear that today?  I know, not nearly enough. 

And just look at the name!  

CAN-O-MATIC!

Because as everyone knows, EVERYTHING is better when "-O-" is in between two words.  It's a fact.  Don't challenge me on this. 

And yes, there is MORE!

The people who build this build the MOST BEAUTIFUL CAN OPENERS MADE*. 

It has everything.  Beauty. Utility. And it includes other bonus features. A plug. A sharp blade. And a clock. 

Who could ask for anything more? 

How about a chef to do the cooking? 

Tell me, how would you use this indispensable device?

*Don't tell this to the French.  They no doubt have a can opener that is also a car.  They do!  The Panhard Dyna. (Can oper's in the glove box.)

Six days in...

 So what has Cookie been doing in the first six days of the Biden administration?  Well...

1) Sleeping.  Ever since the storming of the Capitol, Cookie has been sleeping in fits and starts, usually an hour up and an hour down.  It's been pretty awful.  I thought Wednesday I would sleep like a baby.  But, no, my mind was still on Trump Time.  Finally, by Saturday, sleep was something that came easier.  I should think by Groundhog Day I should be back to sleeping through the rest of the night. 

2) Learning not to wake up worried.  Remember the last five-plus years where waking up was accompanied by the Dorothy Parker thought of "What fresh Hell is this?"  You never knew what buzz saw you were walking into or what tweet the Donald had issued.  Would it *just be* insulting the an entire class of human beings (isn't that, in and of itself, a horrible way to phrase something degrading as that) or would he announce that Russia. troops had the green light to come in and help get the country settled down, or worse.   So now I wake up knowing that the new day really is a new day after all.  That we will now honor people for who they are, and we do our best to give them the help they need to gain not only equality but equity as well. 

3) Deprogramming myself from round the clock news coverage of what fiendish Donald Trump is tweeting, saying, doing, or worse still, not doing. 

4) Worrying about the cooked book records on how many people would die from COVID in vain.  At least now we have a competent administration in office who is taking this seriously.   Oh, I still worry about the Donald crawling out from underneath his rock and saying "When I was President we were beating this COVID thing..." when he was clearly not.   

5) Finding what to do without a lot of stressors.  Seriously, it took four-plus years to tolerate stress, save for the almost heart attack that I had on election night 2018, to get us to this level, it ain't going away overnight. 

6) On the plus side I am LOVING the fact that we have press conferences now that aren't on giant lie after another. Jen Psaki , the Biden Press Secretary, is WONDERFUL, confident, a professional.  She instills confidence by giving honest answers, and when she doesn't know, she doesn't belittle the person asking the question, like Sarah "Moose" Huckabee Saunders, or hiding like Kayleigh McEnany did when the tough got going and no one was around to do her makeup.  If Pasaki doesn't know something, she admits it, promises to get back to that person, and then does just that.  Simple, easy, the way it should be done.

So I am a work in progress. 

And on today's agenda? 

Getting over the last episode of Bridgerton, season one.  We finished the series last night and I am still hot and bothered by the actor who plays Simon.  Le' hot.   And isn't that a wonderful feeling? Indeed.

Inauguration Fashion Report

 Well, by now you know that our new President Joseph Robinette Biden, and so has our new Vice President, Kalama Harris, have been sworn in.

President Biden.

Vice President Kamala Harris.  

Doesn't that sound nice? 

While everyone is waxing poetic about the change, er, make that welcome change, Cookie is looking at the fashion statements made today. 

There were winners and there were losers. 

Let's start with the Winners:

Poet Amanda Gorman - Ms. Gorman's poetry and delivery were one of the day's highlights.  The former National Youth Poet Laureate, and Cookie predicts will soon be that National Poet Laureate, delivered a fashion statement that was both appropriate and stunning.  She complimented her yellow coat with a stunning RED head warp that popped with color. Straight to the point: Stunning. 

Joseph Biden, (Below) 46th President of the United States.  I won't post a picture of the navy suit and the dark navy overcoat, suffice it say he looked good, and the clothes fit.  One might not think that this is such a ringing endorsement, but after four years of Trump's sartorial misfires, this was a welcome relief.  Straight to the point: Biden is ready to get down to work.

Jill Biden (above) - our new First Lady surprised us all today with a teal dress/coat pairing.  Inaugurations can get overly Red, Navy, and White - remember that laughable choice that Kellyanne Conway chose in 2017?  Instead, Dr. Biden chose a classic fit tea dress in teal, accents with crystals.  The look was repeated in the jacket, which also features a darker teal collar, Jimmy Choo heels, and matching leather teal gloves completed the seamless look.  Classic and refreshing.  Straight to the point: Timeless and Elegant.

Kalama Harris, 49th Vice President of the United States.  The Vice President went with the safe option, which is neither good nor bad.  But the look and the symbolic color of purple was a good solid choice.  But it was the color of the purple that elevated the look. Vice President Harris (I cannot type that enough) went with a bright plumb, which was spring-like in its appeal.  Not an Easter purple, this had a vibrancy that was eye-catching and it complimented her skin tones, beautifully.  Straight to the point: Nothing edgy, all business.

Lady Gaga - in addition to providing her talents to delivering a near-perfect national anthem, for the day, Gaga made sure she had plenty of gaga all over.  Frankly, the only thing that she could have worn today that would have failed was the meat dress.  For the event, she chose a full formal red skirt and navy Schiaparelli number with a large gold dove brooch.   Larger than life for a larger than life talent. The only misfire was the black hair ribbon and the black gloves.  Straight to the point: All Business Gaga style. 

The Losers

Douglas Emhoff, the first Second Gentleman (see above).  Emhoff, the husband of Kamala Harris?  Did anyone really get a good look at our Second Gentleman?  Does anyone know what he wore? Buehler? Buehler?  It was grey, black and white. Pure Brooks Brothers.  Straight to the point: The was no there, there. 

Garth Brooks.  Cowboy, thy name is Garth did you not get the memo on how to dress for the event?  Brooks wore denim pants.  And a cowboy hat.  There was something boring, a black mock turtleneck and dark gray sport coat covering his chest and gut. This was the disappointment of the day. So bad, I am not even going to go looking for a picture. Straight to the point: Misfire.  

Jennifer Lopez. Where to begin. Where, oh where, oh wear.  Lopez stormed the stage like she was taking radio city music hall in an all WHITE-WHITE outfit including a nubby WHITE coat.  In my head, and out through my mouth came my mother (who is with me always) who said in my voice "She's wearing WHITE to someone else's big day."  

This was not the wonderful white of Kamala Harris' pants suit worn during her acceptance speech, this was a white that can only be compared to Ross Geller's teeth in Friends, appropriately enough entitled "The One With Ross' Teeth".  It was too WHITE.  A dear friend said she was channeling suffragette white, but no really. Accented with lots of pearls.  Lots and lots. Straight to the point: This was way too white. 

and last but not least, Cookie gives you the...

What da Fuck Award

And my What da Fuck Award for the day goes to...

MELANIA TRUMP, you remember her. "The Fucking Christmas Tree" Former First Lady.  The day for Melania was a bust in Washington for her departure.  I mean this was her BIG exit, and she looked like the "morning after the call-girl party" Dolce and Gabanna look.   But evidently, she decided to take a shower on Air Force One.  When she emerged from the plane, she had morphed into...

Mrs. Roper

Of course, this is a very expensive mumu. Or shower curtain. The New York Post, which covered this today, stated that it was a $3,700 dress.  It tells me that Melania is finally able to embrace the easy slow life in Florida.  Right after she signs up for that reverse mortgage on Mar A Lago. And complete's her application for a Colonial Penn Life Insurance policy.  Straight to the point: Once again, she misreads the room.

I am so over this stuff: Cliché signs of the times edition.

 What art Cookie bitching about now? 

This is the post where Cookie states what he has never been on board with, but is so totally over:

Say it with a blanket

Whatever the fuck this blanket (and others just like them from many vendors featuring look a like woman, all standing on porches) is, it is poorly spelled, horribly word, and just plain ugly.  The ads have been showing up all over people's Facebook feeds.  The comments are a hoot - everybody ragging on the design, grammar ("Thanks you...") and the God damned fonts on these.  They look like they were designed by some fool who was squiffed at an Apple using Indesign.  I mean can't you hear some drunk louse caught by his wife making out in the car at the bowling alley ("...with that whore, Corliss...") saying these things to apologize? 

I will encourage you to try and read this damned thing and find the errors.  It's cathartic in a way that its creator never imagined. 

"Live, Laugh, Love." signs

Sweet Jesus, I hate these.  I understand the idea behind the sign - they are cheap to make, easy to sell to people who think they are "so cute!", but really - these need to be thrown out people.  The only person who is really going to be touched by this is the person who spent their money on something like this.   And make sure you buy one with the correct punctuation.  

"MANGIA!" signs

Unless you aspire to live in a recreation of an Olive Garden - and that better include the hostess podium - there is no reason to have a "MANGIA!" sign in your house.  Say it, if you are serving pasta, by all means, but it's forced and it's fake.

Rules signs

These come in a number of styles, all cutesy.  "House Rules" on the wall of your home are unnecessary unless you are running an illegal bar, gambling operation, a whore house, or all three.  They are not cute, they are cliche. 

Trust me, the parents of the people who made them grandparents were never this liberal with their own children.

SO...

If you see a trend, you are right.   Why take up valuable wall space with this kind of crap when you can have beautiful works of art.  

None of this stuff is creative or imaginative and NONE of this crap supports artists. 

Art inspires.  

Art adds color. 

Art makes you think.

But these signs are not art.  You've been sold a bill of goods by HGTV that these are art and they are not.  They are sold at the stores that sponsor and advertise with HGTV.

No one reads them.  

No one heeds them. 

And most importantly no one needs them.  

INVEST IN REAL ART!

And back we go into the absurd

 

Do you know what's going on here?  

I know I am very confused, Honey Bean.

Tongue tongue,

Cookie

January 6, 2021 - an attempted coup detat

Cookie is very sad. 

We have, for the first time since 1861, insurrection, and an attempt to tear my nation apart. 

These bastards stormed the Capitol, a building that forty years ago I worked in, and fell in love with. 

It's an attack on my country.  And I hate everyone who was involved, everyone who supports this, and every fucking idiot who is claiming "This is false news!"

Fuck everyone involved in this. 

My biggest complaint is that these assholes will get away with what they have done. 

This isn't freedom of speech - this is insurrection. 

Trump and his follower have declared war on the United States. 

I hate everyone one of them and their supporters. 

At the same time, I want to know what the fuck that balless wonder Ted Cruz is doing.  He and his dirty dozen are facilitating this take over by protesting the count.  

Or is balless Ted Cruz going to change his tune?

We know that Liz Chaney, Republican of Wyoming - a woman who I do not agree with -  and a quorum of Senators and House members counting the electoral ballots.  The House and Senate will not be thwarted in their duty as outlined by the Constitution.

I don't want any more violence. In fact, I don't want violence. 

I want the people who broke the law today caught, charged, and given fair trials. 

And I want Donald Trump's term to end peacefully so he can begin his retirement under indictment.  He has permanently soiled what was left of his legacy. 

This nation will survive.  

But it will be stronger when people involved in this are brought to justice.

What's new on Danish TV for Children?

It is indeed a weird day.   

Georgia. 

The Electoral College certification. 

The Despicable Rally in Washington, D.C., and could also include a destructive riot if things don't go their way.   I am not even going to get into the stress on the home front.

We're dealing with a lot of stuff. 

So Cookie is offering a diversion. 

Something to get your mind off the pressing problems of the world.

Danish Television has launched a new series - JOHN DILLERMAND - for children. 

John appears to be your average neighbor in the claymation universe.  John is married to a woman - or is it his mother - I don't speak Danish. His neighbood looks very much like a model train town, well kept, cozy suburban layout, everything in its place and a place for everything. 

John has a sartorial style of his own.  White Shorts, and a red/white striped tank top that is apparently an onesie. 

How do we know this? 

Well, we see a great deal of John Dillermand's penis in the show, which in the preview I have seen, is very long.  Very, very long. 

Don't Try This at Home. 

We don't see the actual penis - it's always covered in the material of the onesie. And it acts like a snake.  Yeah, I should have made that clear.

Before we go any further - there is nothing lewd or sexually perverse in this show. Children and John Dillermand's "personality" do not interact.  It is not used as an enticement.  It is as erotic as a container of cornstarch.  And John is reminded by other adults to keep it in his pants, to which John politely agrees.  But should a lion escape from the zoo and pin children atop an ice cream truck, John Dillermand would use his attribute to whip the beast into submission so the children can get away. 

What happens is John uses his penis to do the errands and chores that he can't get close enough to or is afraid to get close to.  Like walking dogs who refuse to get near the weiner shop, where he has been told to pick something up.  John ties their leashes to his flexi-penis and then is able to get to the door of the shop and pick up his packet of weiners.  John is afraid of lighting his back yard grille, so he uses his penis to do it, and the results are bad. 

I. Kid. You. Not.

The links are below to the story and then a link to Danish TV where you can watch an episode. 

The Guardian: Denmark Launches Children Show About a Man With a Large P****

Direct link to John Dillermand Episode

Additional episodes are available on YouTube. 

And, you are welcome. 

Off to a bang

 

Cookie's new year is not terribly great.  It's also not a dud, yet.  

It started quietly enough.  

And it has continued to be quiet.  Nothing blog-worthy, that's for damn sure. 

We vacuumed and cleaned the stove.  Now we are doing laundry. 

Told you things were quiet.

I got to gossip with a friend about what the scene at the Hobgobblin's got into with their daughter's boyfriend, in the front yard.  One should never air one dirty linen in public, but screaming at the poor girl's boyfriend in the front yard is something that doesn't say "I am in control of myself."  So my friend and I tut-tutted about that.  Then I heard about the new place they are moving to in Guilford (old money tres chic) and we both agreed that isn't going to endear them to their new neighbors either. 

We did get bits of news about two people we know and love, and the word is it's not good. Neither is Covid, and I won't say more, but be grateful for your health. 

I have decided that 2021 will be the year that I really work on my Photoshop skills, so I have been following the adorable Unmesh Dinda, host of PixImperfect on YouTube. 

I would say that I am still a beginner with full-blown photoshop but this week is mastering adding patterns to clothing, which also demands color shading skills.  This is way over my head, but three days in and I can keep pace with the tutorial, and my goal is by Wednesday to be able to do it without the tutorial at all.  My self-test is going back a week after I stop working on one of these lessons and seeing how far I can get on my own. 

I have two hurdles this week to get through. 

This first is this Georgia Election on Tuesday.   (If you there, please cast an informed vote if you have not done so.)  People, pray that the two incumbents get the boot.  Both are dirty corrupt people. 

And on Wednesday is the certification of the Electoral College.  If this goes according to law, all is well.  If the Trumpist Shit Show doesn't destroy us as a nation. 

My advice, try and make this first week of 2021 the best you can. 

Cookie