Friday, February 10, 2012

Yeah, I saw the whole thing!

So yesterday I'm driving back up home to check on whats left of Momma Cookie's farm, Tarable, and I'm on the road, which is four lane divided with limited access and traffic lights.

And since I'm being green by driving my Prius, aka The Scarab, I'm getting 52 miles to the gallon by sticking to the speed limit.  So we come up to a stop light, and I stop, and this noisy old pick up truck pulls up along side of me and I look at who is driving that ratty old truck.  Its two high school lads - very fetching grits - and then I get a load of the headliner in the cab of the Ford truck, and its a confederate flag.

I look away because 1) The lads are no longer fetching, and 2) their "grit" quotient just went up exponentially and thus they offend me with love of the stars and bars.

So the truck creeps up and I can see out of the corner of my eye that these two are horsing around in the truck cab.

Then the light turns green and the shithead who is driving that sorry excuse of a vehicle hits the gas and the truck takes off Hells a-popping forward.  They get about six car lengths in front of me when the driver decides that the car in front of him is going too slow.  The truck veers dangerously to the right lane and then our pretend Luke Duke over corrects his steering wheel and - you guessed it - lost control of the truck which launched itself into the left lane before coming to a screeching stop in the highway median.  Well of course evry car that saw it stopped, including me.

A couple guys get the kids out, who are shaken up but in better shape than that sorry excuse for a truck, and the driver starts in on the driver of the car that he tried to pass and starts yelling "Who seen what happened?" and "This bastard cut me off, who seen it?"  So a couple truckers separate the kids and the Highway Patrol shows up and takes control of the situation, but I am unable to correct the kids appalling grammar because I know when to speak, and when not speak.

Now I once dated a Trooper in my yute, so I understand the mind set.   So one of the troopers starts taking names of witnesses, and they get to me and ask if I have anything to say.  The Trooper, by the way is black. So I say "I saw the whole thing from that red light to here."

The trooper takes my name and some notes and asks me again to repeat what I saw.  I tell him: shit for brains boys behind the wheel, acting like fools, laws apply to everyone else but not them, breaking the laws of gravity and physics, etc. and so on.

And then I throw in "Sir, those young men who are acting like fools probably want their Stars and Bars from the cabin of their truck."  Trooper looks at me, smiles, nods and goes to talk to someone else.

So I call my old boyfriend - and its been like twenty years since I've seen him and after the hellos and how are yous I ask him - since he's desk jobber waiting for retirement - what came of the yutes in the truck earlier in the day.

So he looks it up and of course he can't tell whats going on because nothing is public yet and then he goes, "hold on Hoss. Says here that they had a Confederate flag.  You made the report!"

Buzz me Miss Blue, I am a credit to good citizens everywhere. 

If they need me, they'll call. But enough people saw that moron cause his own misery that I don't think I'll her anything more. In cases like this, its a slam dunk and a fine.

Still, if you are stupid redneck, you deserve to suffer.

Yeah, I saw the whole thing.


  1. Long time reader, first time commenter here.

    I am surprised and amused that they included the bit about the flag in the report!

  2. I was just looking at the site, and they show several homes offered for sale that feature the confederate flag in the advertising (Multiple Listing Service) photos.
    --Road to Parnassus

  3. Now I'm going to have go and look at that site!

  4. B - If the troopers remove anything from a car pending investigation (driving under the influence,etc.) they have to notate the property on an inventory form. If returned, the suspects initial it.

  5. Funny, that sounds like everyone I went to high school with. Maybe they were on a daytrip from Lodi?