Friday, June 11, 2010

Can you refer anyone you know to this man of exacting standards?

My peacocks and peahens, as you know, Cookie believes that there is someone for everyone out there in the world.  Look at all the people out there who are looking for love.  Some find it.  The ones who don't find it have no one to blame but their selves because they are either not willing to accept others as they are, or are just looking for it in the wrong place. 

However a friend who knows my optimism sent me a link to a Craig's List personal (the text of which appears below) from the city of brotherly love that could challenge that opinion:

Date: 2010-05-23, 5:13PM EDT
I'm a serious bro looking for a equally/more serious bro with fancy footwork. The idea is to tie our wrists together ala the "Beat It" video and then each JO/knife fight in a profound spiritual act of consensual hetero awesomeness. I would have done this way sooner but have little faith in humanity.

-access to an abandoned warehouse
-old enough/built kinda awesome
-maintains good eye contact
-general intensity
-cool moves
-leather jackets ( I had to give the one in the pic back - long story, I can tell you when we finish)
-basic knowledge of knife/sword/bat fight etiquette (I can teach you what I know if you are pretty serious about art like me)
-can lift 80 lbs
-bachelor's in something or equivalent experience
-not a narc

Whereas dudes/J-ing O are both undeniably awesome, I'm a straight bro. As in not gay. I just really love MJ and being open minded about new JO scenarios. We will basically play "Beat It" over and over again while we JO and dance, occasionally parrying/thrusting. Winner finishes the most times, but points will be awarded for finishing first/accuracy. If you're the heter-bro I'm looking for, then we can JO furiously/competitively and then just hang or whatever. I've got laser tag too. I'm pretty serious about this. As in completely serious. If you touch my junk with anything but your own I will BF you in the M. Nerds/gays need not apply. I'M NOT GAY.

P.S. - And I've gotten with hot chicks as recently as just now.

"They told him don't you ever come around here

Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear

The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear

So beat it, just beat it"

Location: Philly

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
While we applaud this person for being very specific as to his needs, they might be just too specfiic for many.  That and we feel that the photo makes a mockery of his insistence that he is in no way gay.


  1. I knew that you would be as spellbound by this as I was.

  2. I just really love MJ

    Take a number and move in an orderly fashion to the back of the line with the rest of them.


  3. You just have to wonder if someone found a snapshot in an alley and made up the whole backstory to it. It's just too perfect for this imperfect world. Thank you for sharing.

  4. I'd like to think that this is just a joke to see what kind of responses they get... but, then again...

  5. WV: Buibles. What this MJ-knockoff named his, er, monkey.

  6. I like to think that if this IS a farce, that the person who created it is locked up soon, because it is the fictional creation of a really sick mind. But if it IS real, then I would like to think that this man is in therapy, and doesn't have a chimp locked away in cage wearing a Rear Admirals jacket.

  7. Wow...and here I thought he was dead all this time.