Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Well, I knew that something would trip me up in the end.
Mother died last November, and here it is summer and I have started having all of these doubts about what kind of son I was and if I tended to her as I should have.
And what has caused me to revisit Kubler-Ross' stage 4?
We've had contractors in and out of Casa Cookie doing work that has been postponed for years and all this waiting for them to show up has me thinking about life, and the meaning of my life, and whether or not I was there for her as I would hope someone would be there for me. In the greater scheme of things are beautiful hardwood floors, with a satin finish, going to make the world a more beautiful place? And if I didn't do everything for her that I could of, will I take care of these floors and keep them fresh looking for years to come?
Was I the son that did for her as she did for me? Well, was I?
And what has come out of all of this is that while I loved her, I allowed her to run parts of my life as she ran her life and frankly, I find that it's just not an sustainable model for living that I want.
Could I have done more? Probably. But I was in denial as much as she was. She just wanted to have conversations that were about anything but death - she wanted to live in her own world. And that's what I let her do.
So, I have re-evaluated myself and accepted some things about myself and my first take away is that I can't fight the fact that a large portion of my life - the relationship with my mom - is gone, and it is never coming back. So I have to make changes to my life and allow more people into my circle of trust.
For starters, I have decided that I am not a outgoing person - that for all the pushing I have put myself through, I am really an introvert - and being an introvert is not a sign of weakness, it just is who I am. Yes, I need to be around people, and yes, I get lonely. But I need to be with myself and recharge my batteries, and that is something that by and large gets done when I am on my own.
I have made the appointment to close out the estate, me having discharged every duty, and paid every bill as I should have. This is making me a bit sad because after this estate is done, she won't be in my life because she won't exist in a tangible way.
So where does this leave me with my Mom?
Well, she's dead and she isn't coming back. I know it's harsh, but its the truth. And I still miss her and would love to talk to her, but that isn't going to happen again. "But'" people will say "you can still talk with her." As if that is going to happen. Seriously, she not going to avail herself and start chatting with me. You and I know this. That's the part of grief that folks don't understand - that it hurts, that it's loss that can never be replaced by anything or anyone. And they aren't coming back as hard as we wish they would.
So what do I do? I get on with my life, that's what. And in the coming months I have to work to remove her energy from my day to day life and work to allow myself to invest my energy into improving the lives of others.
You are saying to yourself "Cookie? Helping others? Seriously?" because you know that selflessness is a whole new thing to me. I better see some comments containing words of wisdom from you cunts on this selflessness thing, NOW!
If, after reading all of this you are somewhat confused, truth be told, so am I.
But it's part of the process of healing.
Love you all for reading this and allowing me to work through it.