Saturday, April 7, 2012

Even though her voice is like nails on a chalk board to my ears...

...I'm taking Paula Deen's side.

In the news today media curiosity Anthony Bourdain again saw an opportunity to get people to notice that he exists by assailing Paula Deen.

Bourdain seems to be under the impression that by verbally thrashing Deen, that his stock will go up and he can make the jump from 2nd rate cable network personality to America Food Savior by behaving like a shrill woman scorned.

Deen, on the other hand is handling her end of the situation just fine.

Me?  I'm fed up by the self-indulgent Bourdain.  He's a bully and he's snob.  And his persecution of the sickeningly sweet Deen is about inflicting pain on her and while he gets rich of it.

If Anthony were here - and if he were he would be duct taped to a lawn chair and slathered with honey and placed nearest the closest wasp nest, and a pair of soil Depends shoved into his mouth - I would say "Anthony, you giving Paula a tongue lashing about fat and salt is like you giving a group of High School  students a lecture on the evils of a world class asshole. It does no one any good but it feeds your God complex."

Seriously, someone needs to electrocute his testicles.

As for Deen, she owes her readership NOTHING but what she wants to write about.  Only a fool would make a Krispy Kreme Bun'd hamburger a daily staple in their lives.  Think about it.  It's either something you would want to taste once in a life time or something that you would never put in your mouth.  And even if you did eat one every fucking day of your life, you get what you deserve.

My advice to Paula Deen is be who you are.  And the next time someone brings up Bourdain's name, and no matter how badly you want to say "Gai kakhen afenyam"* just reply "He's special, isn't he?" and leave it that.

Because when push comes to shove, people will never look back on obnoxious, elitist, nasty, old, ugly, stinky slob like Bourdain and remember anything about him other than how he became obsessed with Paula Deen and behaved like a total asshole.

*This is the ultimate curse in Yiddish - something so ripe with imagery that even I have only used once or twice.  These are the last words uttered by my Aunt Nan to my Step Monster after we buried my father.   "Gai kakhen afenyam" literally means "go shit in the ocean".  Not a nice thought.  No?


  1. this post needs just one more stick of butter.

  2. I have butter - does it need the lightly salted or the sweet cream butter. And what about some nice schmaltz, instead?