Thursday, April 12, 2012

Cruising in an electronic age

My husband and I will celebrate our 15th anniversary this May, and I am happy to report that I am still head over heels in love with him - even more so - all these years later.  We are our best friends and we are in propinquity - we even finish each others sentences.  He makes my my face light up when he enters a room and we make each other tingle - in a good way.

Periodically, however, I browse the electronic personals.  I do not, and would, not cheat on my husband; I never entertain anyone other than he in our bed.  I also do not climb into the beds of others.

So why do I look at the personals?  Truth be told, it makes me feel a bit naughty.  AND I like to keep abreast of the modern ways that people look for either a sex date or that certain someone.

I'm old enough to remember the good old days of cruising for sex, where a look, or the tap of a toe was good for a minutes of diversionary fun.

But the new era of electronic dating is a cruel world.  It's abrupt, and there is no room for nuance.  Worse still, it's full of badly worded prose and terrible pictures.

What I have found is thus far:

1) Fifty percent of ads are men wanting to meet men.
2) Fifty percent of the ads tend to fall into the category for using someone in the short term, or "blow and go".
3) Eighty percent of the ads contain bad photographic images of people.  Bad lighting, bad focus and just not flattering.
4) Ten percent of the eighty percent mentioned above tend to have bad photographic image of the guy  holding their toy breed dogs and of that, two percent of said ads invite other men to "fuck them like a bitch in heat."  This begs the question is the invitation for the man, or the dog?

And if I can interrupt here, their is nothing like a mood killer element in a personals picture.  The dog looks cute, but who wants to fuck someone while their doggy whines in the hall way as I suspect many of these pampered pets do.  Thank you.

5) Five percent of the ads are from people who just like to meet new people.
6) Twenty-Five percent of the ads are from people who just want you to walk into their house, through an open door and fuck them, and then just go away.  You never see their faces in their pictures, just their arses.
7) Seventy percent of the ads are from people who know EXACTLY what they want, and they want the rest of the world who don't fit that description to just leave them the fuck alone.
8) About ten percent of the men mentioned in number seven will even suggest that if you aren't EXACTLY what they are looking for "don't even think" about contacting them.  That's right, don't even allow your brain to even consider contacting them. (And, as a matter fact, if they had their druthers, they would also prefer that you not click on their hyperlink to their ad at all.)
9) Fifty percent of ads are from guys who are - and get this: "Straight Acting".
10) Forty-nine percent of those straight acting men also use the girlish phrase "UB2" in their ad as well.
11) Fifty percent of those "Straight Acting" men like taking it "in the ass" or in their "man pussy".

And if I may creep in here - I find the term man pussy one of the most girlish things that any guy could say about a part of their body.

12) Five percent of the ads are from men who like to dress up as women and identify as "Kim" or "Doris" or  "Tiffany".
13) And of that five percent, ninety percent just look ugly in a merry widow and other "pretty-pretties".
14) And nearly 100% use the wrong color of lipstick, which adds to their unladylike appearance.
15) Forty percent of all ads mention a fetish.

Again, as a sidecar: None of the ads ever mentions fetish for fetish statuary.  I hoping to be pleasantly amused one day and come across one. But I'm not holding my breath.

16) Of the fetish based ads, a large percentage of them feature big beefy men, posing in a very masculine fashion, wearing leather, metal, tattoos and they are posed not in a dungeon, but against a background of Laura Ashley wallpaper, Precious Moments statues and white wicker furniture.  To these men I ask, I you looking for a man, or a guest spot on the Dinah Shore Show?
17) About fifty percent of the general ads are from young men under the age of thirty who are looking for men under the age of thirty.
18) About twenty percent of the ads in a general site are men in their thirties who are looking for men, ages 18-25.
19) About ten percent of the ads are from men who are ages 40-70 looking for men or "bois" (and not in the  French sense) ages 18-25.
20) And I think - and this is icky - that of the men mentioned in number 19, that some wouldn't mind it if someone slipped under the 18 year floor. Ick.
21) About two percent of the men who place ads want to be diapered.

Note: I have yet to find anyone who wants to change these men and their soiled diapers.


  1. And yet none of these ads ask for kabuki to walk into their home and knock some sense into their heads. Perhaps kabuki should advertise.

  2. Mistress MJ would pay good money to have kabuki zero lounge casually on her fainting chaise.

    No head-knocking necessary.

    Where is the ad for THAT?

  3. Now, I would pay handsomely for Kabuki to walk and slap some sense into a few people - like my former boss.