Monday, April 26, 2010

The night before...

Tomorrow, I am having the first great love of my life, Bertie - my 17 year old Jack Russell Terrier, put down.  Old age has taken its toll on her.  Her eyes are no longer sharp, her hearing is no longer good and ever move she makes is full of the pain of old age - a concept that dogs just don't get since they live very Zen lives.  To her, life is not reflective - she can't look back at her life and remember how great she felt in her youth and compare that to the aches and pains of old age.  Life is in the moment, and without being able to look back or forward, life for her is now a life of old age pain. It just is waht is.  But the deciding factor really came down to two things, all of the issues of old age combine into one thing, and then there is her "lostness" in the world around her.  She no long recognizes where she is in the house.  Some nights she just stands alone in the kitchen looking out into the distance, preferring not to interact, but wait for something that will never come.  There is not much quality of life in that. 

I keep telling myself that I need to be strong, but then I wonder if being strong means being cold. I'm ending a life tomorrow.  I have to get through this, even though she won't.

The romantic in me - the one who holds onto to sappy hopes, wishes and dreams, hopes that when my time comes that there is an after life.  I'll want to see her and hold her again.

I just need to get through this moment, this evening, this night and then I'll deal with the tomorrows because unlike the dogs in our lives and in our hearts and in our memories, that's what we people have to do..


  1. Oh dear, I'm so sorry. That's not a easy decision but sometimes it is the right thing to do. I fully intend to cross rainbow bridge some day with my own furry children.

  2. I've been thinking of you today, honey ... hoping you get thru today and tonight. Chester and I send our love. xoxo

  3. oh no! I'm so sorry. I'm sending prayers and good energy your way.

  4. Oh I'm so sorry to hear. I put down my 17-year old elkhound last year and I still cry but it was the right thing to do. Mourn for her as she deserves and don't be ashamed. If the loneliness gets unbearable get another dog but wait--you'll know when. I'll think about you during the day tomorrow and send you the best thoughts I can.

  5. ah, i see you've come to that part of life which is absolute hell. bertie has had the best life with you. never ever forget that.

    wow, 17 years, such a long time. you two were very, very lucky to have one another.

    tomorrow will be awful. no one EVER wants to say good-bye, but you know bertie best and deep inside you know it's the right thing to do.

  6. Oh honey, just what norma and everyone else said, you were lucky to have each other, and it's very loving of you to do this for her