I'm not one to talk, but...

We had a neighborhood cookout last week and the patio was BUZZING with juicy gossip:

ITEM!  Mary Madelon (NOT Madelyn! Dear GOD, never make that mistake!) Somethingorother was out shopping with her teenage daughter and was in a foul mood.  She had a sinus headache was grumpy.  Her daughter found a Massage Envy and bought a thirty-minute neck and shoulders session just to "Help me relax," which is code for "shut her mother up."  When she returned to pick Mary Madelon back up, her mother said that her shoulders felt better, but that her sinuses were still miserable.  Massage Envy's "Shaquilla"  said "You have the sinus?  Why didn't you tell me you had the Sinus?  Come, You should have told me.  Come back to the chair."  She made Mary Madelon sit upright, and then she began in the jaw muscles and then dropped her thumb down behind the jaw, then pressed the thumbs "firmly yet not harshly" up to the top of my neck bone and then down either side of the neck bone."  Evidently, on the first try, Mary Madelon's flesh tingled. On the second attempt, "My sinuses opened up like the red sea and the pain disappeared!" SNAP!  Shaquilla has quite a fan because Mary Madelon does not tolerate quackery or brightly painted front doors on her street!

ITEM!  Gracie and Vickie are looking for a male sperm donor to help them get pregnant.  Gracie's brother has said no, again and Vickie doesn't want to to have a child "fertilized by Gracie's brother," because they have interpersonal "issues."

ITEM!  Cookie and Husband are getting trees removed and then new ones planted.  This makes Mary Madelon unhappy because the pin oak that is coming down is so tall and so beautiful.  Cookie and Husband agree, but the tree is too close to two houses (it really is) and could take out either home in a bad storm.

ITEM!  Dr. Mitch had forgotten how much he liked he liked a glass of good Shiraz!

ITEM!  The hostess, Becky, didn't tell him it came from a box!

ITEM!  The host and hostesses house passes Nan's white glove test, she tells Cookie in sotto voce. Impressive.  Then Cookie goes into the dining room where everyone is trying not to look at the dust cobwebs in the dining room light.  Oopsie.  Looks like host missed this one and so did Nan's White Glove Test!  Double OOPSIES!  Sharmel whispers to Cookie "Why don't people leave this room so I can deal with that when no one is around?"  Sharmel, Becky, and Doug have a good friend in you.  "Has everyone seen whats in the backyard?" Shouts Cookie?  "It's charming, let's go take a look!"

ITEM! While Cookie herds everyone back to the most gorgeous yard in the world, it starts to rain.  Hoping Sharmel had enough time!  She did  But Mary Madelon's keen eye picks it up when she notices that the cobwebs are gone!  Harrumpf, indeed!  Queso, Mary Madelon?

ITEM! Connie in the 400 block is miffed that the city street sweepers aren't following the schedule clearly printed in the city calendar.   They do both sides of the street on the same day!  Solution: Call 311!

ITEM!  Bob has had enough to drink and has called himself an Uber to get him home, which is half a block down.

ITEM!  Houses are selling at a furious pace in the hood - even going before the brokers open.  Multiple offers!  In five years no one has seen anything like this.  Many wonder if now is the time to get out.  And who are these people buying into our neighborhood? 

ITEM! Do not patronize Tetrazzini's.  Carter and Madge had a terrible experience.  "Territa was our waitress and it was like being ignored."

Blind ITEM:  Which neighborhood Chateline STILL hasn't picked on the fact that you can buy anything at this unnamed merchant, but you never, ever, EVAH buy produce from them.  They have carrots older than she is for sale.  No! No! No!

UNSPEAKABLE ACTION:  You there!  In your Tesla Model S sedan. On stopped at the traffic light on Owings Mills Boulevard.  I saw you stick your finger in your ear, dig around, remove your finger and then smell your finger.  Gross.  All the money in the world can get you a great car, but you are still common as a Cold.