Tuesday, December 26, 2017

It's Boxing Day, Motherfuckers, and not the civilized type of Boxing Day, either

Sometimes, you just wake up and think fuck it.

Then there are the days where you are awoken with news that really is "What the fuck?"

Today, the day after Christmas, aka Boxing Day, was such a day.

Husband, getting ready to leave for work, come into our room, gives me a kiss goodbye and leaves.  Next thing I know he's waking me up with: "Someone has been through my car."

What the fuck.

What about the Cookiemobile?

So he goes out to look, and I see him from the bedroom window taking pictures.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!!!

Of the two cars, mine was the one trashed.  No damage to the exterior or interior, but the motherfucker took my prescription sunglasses, the wallet containing the manuals for the Prius, and a two dollar winning lottery ticket.  Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Luckily, Cookie is not the type of idiot that leaves his backpack containing laptops and ipdas and the like in the car like a woman over in Pikesville who was interviewed on the news and said "I only had in my car for a day or two."

Thanks to NextDoor, you read about these acts of stupidity fairly regularly.

"My car was stolen when I ran into the Petrol station to buy a pack of cigs.  I guess I'm not used to Baltimore.  On the shore - where I am from - I leave my car running whenever I run in for cigs.  What kind of person would steal my car like?"

What kind do you think?  I'll tell what kind sister-woman - the kind that steal cars, motherfuker.

Now we lock our cars and we are downright neurotic about that.   So we did not pull a sister-woman.

Our cars got cracked because the fucking bastards who did this built a radio device (instructions are out there) that pings the remote in your house and then opens the car from afar.  So now I own two Faraday Cages to make sure that the motherfuckers don't get in again.

Now on the plus side of this, our neighbor DID find the wallet of manuals, and there was great rejoicing because those motherfuckers are expensive as fuck. And the car registration was in the wallet.  So that takes a load of worry off my shoulders.

If you're out there fucker, come around here again and I will beat the shit out of you, and then beat it back in.  And it doesn't need to be Boxing Day for me to do it. Don't make me go all Dr. Detroit on your ass.

Do not fuck with Cookie's car, Cookie's house or Cookie's loved one's because I will hunt you down, find you, beat you senseless, wake you up, and then school you K-12th, college and post grad on what happens to fuckwits like you when you fuck with the wrong cookie.  Then I will haul your ass to your mama, so she can go all ugly up your bony little ass.  I hope she smacks you so hard that she sends on a trip into next month.

To everyone else most Happy Boxing Day, whatever you do in your foreign lands.


  1. May I hold onto your spare baseball bat for you, Cookie? I'll pass it over when the other one's broken. Evil little shits deserve everything they get! Jx