Friday, December 23, 2011

Report of the Middle of The Street Committee, Christmas Week Edition

At the last meeting of the Committee of the Middle of the Street has conducted on December 18, 2011, we stood in the middle of our street and watched the Christina (aka the Filipina Dominatrix) chain smoke clove cigarettes while moving men carted her possessions into a moving van parked on the street.

Just Call Me Judy kicked off the meeting with holiday wishes to all “the puppies” on the block (Our Kevin and Rocky were trying to braid their leashes around my legs) and a “Merry Hanukah” to yours truly, even though the front of house has a HUGE plywood sign that reads N O E L - in the dark, the lights on the letters light up N, O, E, L one at a time and then flash NOEL NOEL NOEL in quick succession like an old ZAYRE sign.

The holiday wishes were accepted, and returned by all.

“Do you think she knows that we are watching her?” asked 60 Something Hippy Connie who was holding the leash to her dog “Spirit”.

“Let’s see; there are ten of us standing in the middle of the street looking and then looking away really quick when she looks this way,” remarked Helicopter Sandy, “so I would say the answer is a big fat ‘YES’.”

“Well, I for one am disappointed that I didn’t see anything perverted come out of that house,” said I Don't Have a Sphincter Audra. “The only thing odd that I saw was something that looked like a lion cage and a two 2X4’s nailed in the middle like a giant “X”.

“That,” said Helicopter Sandy, “was probably her cage for her slaves and a whipping rack.”

That caused Don't Have a Sphincter Audra to snap out of her mopey state. “How do you know that Sandy?”

“I was on the vice detail for ten years. I’ve seen it all.”

We were joined by the Bob Wolf(e)’s and their two Newfoundland’s who were slobbery all over the place.

“Are we talked about…” said Bob Wolf, “…about what we think you’re talking about.” said Bob Wolfe.

“They haven’t sold the house,” said Just Call Me Judy. “The real estate agent said that they have to make” (she arched her eyebrows) “significant repairs.”

“This is what we don’t get,” said Bob Wolf (or was it Wolfe) “She had those two submissives living in there – why wasn’t she putting them to work fixing the place up,” asked Bob Wolf or Wolfe.

Pot Smoking Phil ambled over and with his dog Fester and Phil introduced himself with a loudly announced “HOLA!”

“Mooey, Mooey” added in Just Call Me Judy, proud as punch with herself that she had just added something of worth to the conversation.

“CAR!” called out the Bob Wolf(e)’s and the group parted like the red sea to accommodate a vehicle cutting through the neighborhood.  Then we resumed our confab in the middle of the street.

"Hey Audra,” said Phil, “did you see the dog crate come out? Bet one of these boxes here (nodding in the direction of the movers) is full of the whips and chain mail.”

“Phil, you have a filthy, filthy mind. What would make you think that I would want to see anything like that,” said Audra with an air of urgency.

“But a minute ago,” I started to point out…

“You never mind,” she said to me just as Helicopter Sandy started to laugh. “Haha Audra – got caught with your pants down!”

“Now you never mind. Phil did you ever see anything going on in there?” Audra asked.

“Audra, if you are looking for pointers, you better ask her before they fill up that van and drive away,” I pointed out. "CAR!" ontly this time the car swerved to the side of the street and stopped.

That was when our group was approached by Frigid, of Frigid and Frigeeda, a lesbian couple from Finland that bought a house down the street when they moved to Columbus to continue their studies at Ohio State.

They are not friendly, and they don’t mix well. Frigid was parking their Smart car and walked to where we were standing in the center of the street.

“So what are we doing?” Frigid asked us. “Are we making noises to keep up the people who have to work in the morning? Well?”

“Just talking” we all said in one manner or another.

“About what? What is so special that you must hold this meeting in the mitten (I think she meant ‘middle’) of the street? “

Just Call Me Judy piped up “We were talking about Audra’s CANCER SURGERY, weren’t we Audra.”

“You have this cancer surgery?” asked Ulla somewhat incredulously.

We all know what was coming…

“Oh, yes, I don’t have a sphincter, or a rectum. Had to cut it all away. So now I’m in a new study on colostomy bags…”

“Yes, well, Happy Christmas to you all.” And off she stomped like a German storm trooper. She marched up her steps, into her home and then watched us from a window.

“Good work, Audra,” said Phil.

We all agreed to meet at Phil’s in January for the annual neighborhood White Elephant Christmas Party.

But the Bob Wolf(e)s want to know if Phil was going to invite over Ulla and Marte.

“Yah, Yah!” he said and then start to laugh at how funny he was.

Merry Christmas to all – even Frigid and Frigeeda – and to all a good night.

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