Saturday, February 24, 2018
Cookie tells his cousin she needs to just stop. Stop it now.
Cookie has a Cousin Wendy. And everyone knows it's Wendy when Wendy storms into town and loudly announces herself. She literally will stand outside my house and bellow: "COOKIE!!! COME OUT HERE AND GIVE YOU COUSIN WENDY A BIG OLD HUG."
It's Wendy's style.
You can't take this woman to a professional sports game because she will want to run out on the field and BELLOW out the Star Spangled Banner.
Anyway, Wendy was driving through Baltimore on her way from visiting her daughter Jazzmin (I know, I know, but no one listens to Cookie) who attends school at Catholic University, and she calls me up to say that she is driving up 95 to New York to see her old college friend Midge who is in from some European country where she moved to blah, blah' blah and could I meet Wendy at a Panera near exit blah, blah, blah for a cup of coffee and pastry.
So I drop everything, literally, because its either Wendy or it's folding laundry and if I have to go to a Panera, it might as well be to get out of folding laundry to see Wendy.
So we meet and she bellows out to everyone in the store that "THIS IS MY COUSIN COOKIE AND COOKIE IS MARRIED TO A NICE MAN AND THEY LIVE HERE."
People look at me like "Huh?" I look back at them with a "Yeah, I know - I want this to over too."
But the girl has to do what she has to do because Wendy is a force of nature.
Folks, this has been going on since I was a kid. I am used to it.
The only thing louder than Wendy's mouth is her heart, which is huge and full of life and love. Sometimes, you just need to let the people you love be who they need to be.
Except on my Birthday, because Wendy is never allowed to spend any time with me in my birth month because it will end with her standing up and BELLOWING "HEY EVERYONE, IT'S COOKIE'S ANNIVERSARY OF HIS TRIP THROUGH THE BIRTH CANAL, and then a mariachi band will appear. And the restaurant doesn't have to be Mexican for that to happen. Trust me on this. I have lived through it, twice.
Anyhow Wendy is all about all things gay, Gay GAY.
So this Olympic season, she is all about the whole Adam Rippon/Gus Kenworthy kiss.
"Did you see it? It is so fabulous to have a same-sex couple not only kiss but fall in love at the Olympics!"
The first openly gay hook up at the Olympics!
No - no.
"Well, what would you call that passion." Now she's looking like Kathy Najimy in Sister Act.
I explain that it was done for the camera, but that Gus Kenworthy has a man, and Gus is most likely a big old bottom.
The look on her face is one that you would expect when a Christian Woman sees one of the LOLCats memes that reads "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."
"Gus is cheating on Adam?"
I have to explain to her that Gus is cheating on no one. Gus and Adam are not anything to each other except Olympic buds who happen to share a love for cock.
Well, "QUELLE HORREUR" comes over Wendy's face and she slaps the table in disbelief.
"But they make such a cute couple!"
The balloon is burst.
I show her a picture of Gus and his man/boyfriend/husband/hunk and still, Wendy is crushed.
"But what about Adam?"
I put my hand on hers and remind her that there will always be Stars on Ice, and then Dancing with the Stars, then porn for Adam.
"And you need to stop. Seriously."
Later that night I get a text from Jazzmin who said that she spoke with her mother, she made it to New York, but that she was crushed that "Adam and Gus will never be together."
I text back "What advice did you give?"
"I told her that Sally Field is trying to fix up her son with Adam and it will work its way out. And to have another bottle of wine. And I told her that no, Gus and his boyfriend will not break up so Adam and can move in for the kill."
Thank GOD these Olympics are coming to an end. Between the Curling team getting gold, and this Gus and Adam thing, I just can't take it anymore.
And Wendy needs time to go through the five stages of grief.
And I need to fold the damned laundry.