Monday, August 17, 2015

The Kabuki Theater of Real Estate, part duex."..

And then this realtor showed up, and she felt the house was over priced and under decorated. we go again.

The Kabuki Theater of Real Estate production "The Seller's House" is set to begin.  Having found ourselves with two houses, we must now sell one of them.  And it won't be the new house, thats for damned sure.

So the husband and I have been cleaning the old hours - and reader, let me tell you, it is immaculate.  Nay, it is in eat off the floor condition, and staged to sell.

Speaking of eating off the floor, thats pretty much what we have been doing since the Agent requested that we leave the dining room table in the house for the staging.  Thank God for inflatable beds, otherwise we'd be sleeping on the floor, too in the new house.

The front door has been painted Sherwin Williams "JUNGLE RED" which is the same shade of red that you would find on Mary Harris' nails.

So the stage is ready and the first two scenarios have played out.

FIRST UP we had the brokers open house, which is unadvertised to the public, but the public can attend.  This is the place in the plot where the brokers leave their comments.  Six of the ten brokers said that the house had major curb appeal, was dated, but fairly priced.  Three of the brokers felt the house was charming, but only had one full bathroom, and would sell for 15k to 20k under what we priced it at.

THEN there was this chick, at the top of the page.  The tenth realtor hauled her fat ass into the house buy driving his Hummer into the driveway and bitching the whole way in about the lack of a wide enough driveway for Hummer, so a little bird (my neighbor Julianne over heard from her deck) tells us.

The comments from this realtor were actually comical:

"I can't see bringing any of my clients to this house unless the deficiencies noted below are fixed.  My clients are important people and their time is valuable."

 The deficiencies that this realtor wants corrected are: Enlarged kitchen added.  Brand new bathrooms, preferably in marble. Restain the hardwood floors dark.  Remove the large tree in the back yard; too shady."

My reaction to her comments.

Seriously?   I  mean what the fuck?

The end of her comments are almost commical.  After all that work, Ms. Real Estate Ball-Buster has the unmitigated gall to state that even after all those changes to the house, then the selling price would be $60k less than what we have it priced at.  She wants $100k of work done, and then the priced dropped.   And we priced our home $100,000 under the last home that sold in the neighborhood because it's smaller and needs modernization.  It's a modest house, with a modest price.

"What crawled up her ass and died?" I asked the agent.

"She's very demanding," replies the agent.  "She's also full of shit."

SECOND UP is our first open house, which has us both on edge.  I have never known a house to sell from an open house, except ours in the new house.  So stranger things can happen.

Just so long as the Ball-Busting agent doesn't return and demand that we hari-kari ourselves over the prices.

Its going to be a long few weeks reader.  A long few weeks...


  1. when we sold our last house in Cleve Hts, the high-profile realtor insisted on an open house, so we cleared out for hours!!!! Two people came by - both nosey neighbors who never said 'hi' to us in the 8 yrs we lived there, but were Gladys Kravitz about what the house looked like.

    I was disappointed and the realtor then goes, "oh, less than 2% of houses ever sell bc of an open house....." which led me to say, THEN WHY DID WE HAVE ONE?

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  3. We have a different open house story:
    When we were selling our house in Miami, we had an open house the first weekend we listed it, and it sold the next day.
    Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't, and sometimes hags say nasty things about your house.

  4. I had pretty much the same conversation, Blobby, with the nice but hapless realtor who is repping the flat across the hall from us. For the last _three_ weekends the poor couple who are selling have had to clear out (from their perfectly staged minimalist apartment in which it must hell to live with a toddler) for a Sunday afternoon that, to date, has included three lookers, one of whom was my sister who just felt so bad for them and one of whom whas our building's Gladys Kravitz.

    We bought our place last year based on two visits, and from the look of things the folks had basically made sure before they left in the morning that the beds were made the and any dishes were in the dishwasher, no more. It made a really pleasant change from all the faux-HGTV nonsense we saw - the votive candles, the vast stretches of empty shelves, the carefully stacked tiny towels with no bath towels visible...

    Kabuki is just about right.

  5. Don't even get me started on HGTV'ing of the American Real Estate Market. Seriously.

  6. there's a schmatah for every hanger.

    mary HAINES got lacquered with jungle red.
    i have NO idea where you came up with that other name, ahem.

    1. Stolen Kiss. that's what SW calls it. I like Jungle RED better.

  7. So you had 9 at least positive viewers and one negative. She is neither buying nor (apparently) selling your house so forget her and her under-reamed twat.

    1. The husband said that if she brings an offer in her low range he'd counter by dropping the price a penny...

    2. She certainly knows from 'shady'.

  8. Fly me over!