Friday, March 22, 2013

We live in fear of our dog's penis

I may have hit a new low with the subject line, but in matters such as this, it is better to be blunt.

Seen above, is Kevin, our 8.5 pound dog.  We love Kevin because he is sweet, funny and a cuddler.  The only problem with Kevin is that he has the penis of a dog ten times his size.  And no, I am not making this up.

When we got Kevin, we did a Wisdom Panel - genetics -  on him because we wanted to know what he was, because the dog pound had no idea.  And given his under bite and some other things the vet found, we had a pretty good idea that he was probably a puppy mill pup and those things never go well.

Three hundred dollars later, we had our answer.  Kevin was 50% Jack Russell (mother) and 25% Shih Tzu on his fathers side. The other 25% was just about everything else.  Plot hound.  Basset hound. More Jack Russell. Blah, blah blah, blah until you got to the smallest amount, .82%, which turned out to be the biggest dog of all: Great Dane.

Yes, it is possible for a eight and half pound dog to have some Great Dane in him.

The problem is, its all in his penis.

Now, I am not going to go into details, suffice it to say that when our Columbus, Ohio vet first examined him the day after we got him, which was four days after he had been neutered (which the dog shelter does with all males before they adopt them out), testosterone was still in his iddy biddy body.  So Adam, our vet, his giving him the once over the conversation went something like this:

"He's in great shape...and he seems to know that we're here to help him.  He has no issues with us handling him..." And this is when the vet placed his hand under Kevin's rib cage and picked him up, " and his skin is good and fur has good texture, and his eyes are bright and ...WHOA!  KEVIN, YOU STUD!"

And there it was, the policeman's billy club.  I felt like I was going to puke. 

This is when you the vet really suggested the Wisdom Panel because "Yeah, I'd say there is a very big dog in his not so distant ancestral past."

Think Wally Cox endowed with Long Dong Silver. The Great Dane rears its ugly head.

Anyhow, the further we got from the neuter date, the fewer his erections and the less freaked out we were getting.  Still, the thought of that monster makes us both queasy and we never know when it will poke its head, and looooong self out at us.

So last night the husband and I were reading in the living when Kevin ran into the sun room, twisted himself in a knot and began licking away.  Why?  Because that's what dogs do, that why.  And if men could do that, we probably would, although not in front of an audience, unless it enough were thrown up onto the stage as gratitude for the show.

The husband got annoyed first and called out to Kevin to "Cut it out."  Then like a school girl who had just seen a pile of earthworms, he shrieked "GROSS!"  Now you have to understand, the husband is a MAN - tall, good looking and not one to mince his words or mince about.  So if he shrieks  there is probably good reason to see what he is shrieking about.

I looked up and there was Frankstein's monster in all of its glory.

Now it was my turn to shriek:  "KEVIN PUT THAT AWAY!"

And what does Kevin do? Kevin had to twist his head around the monster so he could look at us with a "What?" kinda look.

Well, it was up and that was the problem.  Telling Kevin to cover up his penis or make it go away wasn't helping because dogs don't understand language, let alone the concept of social norms and modesty. So Kevin did what any dog would do and went back to lapping at his dog dick.

However, we can't have that going on, so we both, again - acting like parents will - called out his name to distract him.  Except he took it as our command to jump off the love seat and come towards us.  As he trotted out way, that donkey dick of his went into the rug and tripped him up and he did a somersault on his way to the carpet.  And not wanting him to jump up on either of us with that huge ass thing out of its hiding place, we got up and walked to the kitchen.  He followed us.  Back to the living room, and he (and it) came our way.  This game of follow the leader went on for a good fifteen minutes before he was distracted enough and "it" "went away."

Now, I love me my Kevin, but this isn't something you can go to the vet and have remedied.  There is no pill for this.  Its just that we are terrified of seeing it, even though we know its just his dick.  It freaks us out to know that in the people world, he would be Dirk Diggler.

So there, know you know.  We live in fear of dog's penis.  We love the dog, hate seeing the red rocket.

That Kevin, he is a stud.  But the Great Dane, we'd rather not see.


  1. Well, it's nice to know there are some trials of dog-having that we're spared. Koko's private parts are unalarming in color, pretty much size-proportionate, and, now that he's nearly eight, fairly rarely seen. As for Boudi, he's a Yorkie, and I'm afraid that's one breed that would never rise, as it were, to canine porn stardom.

    And now I'm kind of grossed out. Brain bleach, please!

  2. You live in fear of your dog's penis? Well, of course you do. Who doesn't?

    I have a similar pet peeve (tee hee, a little dog joke there; ok, very little). My lovely Bella is an 8 pound Shih Tzu who fills the idle hours working away at her hoo-ha. Lick lick lick lick SLURP lick lick. Dis-gusting.

    I hate to yell at her, like you say, they are only doing what comes naturally. I think it was George Carlin who said if he could do it he would never leave the house.

    But still. Ick.

  3. Good lord, I think I might have nightmares tonight

  4. Definitely should not have read this at work...