Monday, December 26, 2016

Pictures from Your Family Gathering

Your father.  Mention "Hillary" and you get this. 

Your Mother, who says "Now, [INSERT YOUR NAME HERE] was it really necessary - really necessary - to mention Hillary and send your father's blood pressure rocketing skyward?  I swear, sometimes I think that you must be intent on making me widow..."

Kitty Carlisle, who pukes when there are too many people around. 

Your partner's Step Father.  Just don't ask. 

Aunt Rose, the gravel voiced scotch drinker who smokes Lucky Strike's unfilitered.  No one knows how, or if, she is related, but she's known the family for years and is a fixture at every holiday gathering.  And you can't not invite her.  She's worth millions, has no children and she's just your FAVORITE (Cough) aunt there is.  And her laugh is akin to Whooping cough.

Cousin Cedelia - the artistic cousin, with the far away stare and interpretive dance in her blood.  In college, she will eschew colorful clothing for black sweaters, leggings, skirts and plain black hair dye.  She will eventually grow out of it, become a Republican.  Or a Lesbian.  Or both, 

Uncle John.  He's been to Santa School.  But refuses to play Santa because he hates screaming, crying children.  Every year he asks but one question: "Is the game on yet?"

The Centerpiece.  Someone thought this a good idea.  Its execution is never quite as good as the pictures would imply, and someone shoos you away as you pick at its central body admonishing "Stop it!  You'll ruin it."  So for the rest of the night you'll hear a plop as pieces release.  Mayo only works as glue for so long.  Trust us. 

Your father's cousin Shirley (who looks decades older than she is), her husband Mort, and their annoyingly accomplished late in life son Adrian.  Jesus, it's always "Adrian this and Adrian that. Blah, blah, blah, Adrian."  And Adrian is like a sixty year old man in a 12 year old's body.  "Adrian, wouldn't you rather go out and play with your cousins?"  "No thank you, I'll just sit here and read War and Peace."   Adrian's latest piece of art work is of his mother bear breasted, and when she shares that proud moment, it comes with a "He really is advanced in his composition and light distribution."  

Your mother's sister, "Flounce".  She was born in the mid west and her name is spelled Florence.  But twnety years ago she moved to Atlanta and now she's "from the 'South'".  

Your Brother Walter.  Walter lives in a downtown tenement, and loves to share the bounty of the world.  Walter bathes once a week because the CEO of Nestle wants to keep the world's water hostage and he thinks being stinky will cure that problem.  Then he met a wonderful woman named Amy.  But Walter insisted on calling her his "special Lady."  ("Walt, stop it - you're embarrassing me.") Everyone hoped he would marry Amy - she was the first normal girlfriend he had.  But she left. She couldn't put up him biting his toe nails.  Just - don't ask.

Cousin's Estil and Corliss.  They just stopped in "to look and everyone before we up to Corliss' Mother's house."  You offer them food and Estil says "That looks too fancy for us.  We're plain food people."  They'd just love to host Christmas next year.  

And of course:

Your next door neighbor, Miss Mannish.  You just hate the idea that someone is alone on Christmas, so you invite Miss Mannish,  You are not sure of where Miss Mannish falls on the gender identification spectrum, but since Miss Mannish introduced their self as Miss Mannish, Miss Mannish it is, and Miss Mannish it will be until you hear otherwise. 


  1. Replies
    1. Every family has its peculiarities and eccentrics.

  2. I'm convinced that Estil and Corliss are the same person. Sometimes an alternate personality can disengage from the host and manifest into a living breathing individual.

    Plain or otherwise.

    1. And the older they get, the more alike they become.

  3. I want to go off in a corner and just dish with Aunt Rose. I bet she knows all the dirt about Miss Mannish. Her breath may be a trial, but her dress sense is divine.

    And I can't believe I never thought of naming a cat Kitty Carlisle. I'm so stealing that.

  4. Sooooo many of those hit so right on the head. It's like you've been spying.

    1. I am convinced that we all have one family. They travel at the speed of light at Christmastime to be at everyone's home. Just like Santa.

  5. "They're creepy and they're kooky,
    Mysterious and spooky,
    They're altogether ooky,
    The Family Cookie."

    Thank fuck it's all over, and we can get back to bitchin'.


    1. You're telling me! I need a Housewive's Holiday.

  6. Sadly, or not, I know all of these people. Heck, I'm some of these people.