Cookie has a confession.
I am an introvert, and I am about to lose my mind.
Here's why.
I tend to be a bit of an disciplined loaner. I have patterns that I follow and they comfort me. They give me a sense of accomplishment. If I go to the store, I go in the morning. If I clean, I clean in the morning. My afternoons are designed to be a bit more freeform. I have my daily routine, but sometimes, when the "gotta do" things of life are done, I need to go do things that I normally wouldn't do. Like go down a street that I normally wouldn't go down.
As my mother would say "Take a new path every day, because one day you'll be dead and you won't be able to go down that street you hope to get to travel down."
Call it small scale wanderlust, but it's something I am compelled to do. I need to see different things, go different places.
The problem is that two weeks ago I came down with that horrible bacterial bug that's floating around. And in no time, my husband got it. We had planned to go to Boston to visit my mother in law, but when you are as sick as we got, the only places we went were to the couch or to take a nap. And we were down with said bug for a solid week.
That's a lot of togetherness for a loner. A lot.
THEN, he had his hernia surgery first of this week. So again, we have spent a great deal of time together while he has healed. Tuesday morning I had to get out and go to the store.
But it's now Friday, and I am as tense as can be.
My husband is a kind, loving, wonderful man. Yet I am about to lose my sanity.
He's going back to work on Monday, and I will be lonely when he is gone. I will worry about him. I will rejoice when he returns from work Monday evening.
But at this moment, I am on the verge of crumpling like a piece of reused foil.
Alone time for an introvert is like having your battery recharged.
If I were an extrovert, all this togetherness would recharge me.
Right now I feel drained, unmotivated, unaccomplished. And my brain feels exhausted.
And you feel guilty when you are like this. I cannot imagine my world without him. So when I get like this I feel like I am crazy. God forbid that one day I will be alone. And then I will wonder what the fuck was wrong with me for not revelling in these languid hours.
But, right now, I think I may need to scream.
I KNOW exactly how you feel.
ReplyDeleteI love Carlos to death, but if I have to spend every moment with him I'd go nuts ... or commit murder.
I just realized I said I love Carlos to death and then mentioned murdering him.
DeleteI need help.
I think you're normal. It's time for a walk or a bike ride or a trip to Barnes and Nobel's or TJ Maxx or to your work area; the garage, the basement, the attic etc. to work on a project that interests you. It works for me.
ReplyDeleteYou're kinder than I am. When I lived with my ex and he called me at home as I was enjoying being faraway from him, by myself, my typical answer was to scream "Why are you bothering me?!?!" into the phone.
ReplyDeleteIf it can't be avoided, then we snuggle up on the couch together and watch this week's Lost in Space.
ReplyDeleteI am an extrovert and I enjoy time away from spouse. it frees the mind and soul. he feels the same way.
ReplyDeleteNever beat yourself up for who you are, Sugar. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable - even preferring - to being on your own. Think of it this way - if you don't get your alone time you cannot give your very best to the ones you do want to spend time with. Struggled with this for years...finally cut myself some slack.
ReplyDeleteI totally get this. I work from home and I have my routines that calm and center me. Sometimes, too much unexpected 'in your face time' from the person I love most in the world without appropriate time to adjust makes me want to run and hide.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I are also introverts, like most engineers. At home, we are together sometimes and sometimes both in the house doing different things on different floors. We respect and salute each other's need for solitude, but are available when the other needs company.
ReplyDeleteAt work, we have extroverted managers doing counterproductive things like holding long meetings and making more than one of us share an office or a cubicle; this is a guaranteed way of ensuring poorer quality work than would be had if each of us had an office with a door that closed. But the managers try to optimize based on what would work for them and no amount of telling them different or showing them studies changes anything.
So, I understand your pain.