Tuesday, April 5, 2016

The one where Cookie discovers Chatterbate

Yes, it has come to this.

My husband is asleep, I sat down at the computer to catch up on reading scientific journals on advances in DNA and Genealogy and and I find a message from my cousin Clyde in Ohio saying that his wife Vonda has kicked him out because she caught him on "Chatterbate".

"I thought I could make some money to buy Vonda that patio set she's been wanting for the trailer.  Can I move in with you in Baltimore?"

Two things race through my mind.  The first is how quickly I could type "No - you are better off living in the hen house until she cools down," and what in the world is Chatterbate.

Now, you know that I am a man of the worldly ways of the world, but Cookie has no reason to delve into social media any further than one has too.  So things like Grindr, are alien to me.  Why shop for widgets if you don't need widgets, I always say.

So I went to Chatterbate and reader, I was appalled.

I understand that you get what you pay for, and it's free, but for God's sake.  Imagine, if you will, "The People of Wal-Mart" in various states of undress, mouth breathing on cam and demanding that you pay them to see their pieces parts.

Chatterbate is the obscene phone call of sites, and none of these people should be seen with the lights on and their clothing off.

What they need is help.  Help with their production values.  Help with their wardrobe choices.  Help with their diets.

But more then that, none of these dolts is selling themselves very effectively.  They just sit there, lumpy, pale, and expecting someone to tip them into action.

And there ages seem to be chosen at random, or they type in 60 and 30 pops up in their profiles.

And they look like this.

"Candy", a "30" something housewife who is located in "Pussylandovia" sits in a recliner looking all the age of 60 plus.  Her bio says that she enjoys meeting "Men, women and couples" and that she will rock your world if you tip her 30 credits.  But until you do, she'll just sit there eating cheese doodles and reading the latest Lillian Vernon catalog.

"Miguel", a 20 year old male from Mexico City says he "loves the ladies" and will flex for 10 credits, show ass for 25 credits, and will cum for 250 credits.  Until someone coughs up the dough, though, he'll just answer your questions in the most painfully incorrect English.

"Private Soldier"  is a 23 year in West Virginia that claims to be on active duty in the U.S. Marine Corp and he says that "Currently serve in the military. Ill do whatever it takes to pretect the US and my family."  But thank God he will "pretect" us all by masturbating online for tips.  You can link an Amazon account to your Chatterbate account.  I am almost tempted to send him a used copy of "English for Dummies."

"Gramps", in Soledad, however seems to get the award for honesty.  "Too old for a hard-on, I'm the dirty old man that you mama warned you about."  Now if he were cruising down your street in a creepy white van passing out candy, well then, you'd call the cops.  So I guess as long as he's sitting naked on cam in some trailer in California with a 3D picture of the last supper over his head and waiting in tips so he can wave that wet noodle around, it seems safer.  Besides, you have to admire his attitude for thinking that somewhere out there there is someone for him lurking in the ether.

In any event, Clyde could be in for a long cold spring bedding down with the chickens.  I can imagine seeing him on Chatterbate, but I wouldn't want to see him.

"She'll come around.  Wait till you can get out in the field and get yourself a farmer's tan.  She's a sucker for farmer's tans," I message him back.  "And stay off that damn site.  Get a job at Wal Mart instead."

Now if you all will forgive me - I am too disturbed to go back to DNA articles.  I'm going to drag out some of Cookie's favorite porn - old house porn.  There is 80 years of lead paint from the front door of our house and I need to commit an act of penance.


  1. sounds disgusting. just go to a wallyworld and walk the aisles; you will see all kinds of garbage (not all of it on the shelves).

  2. I was on Chatterbait once, I believe Peenee may have mentioned it once in a post. Yikes is right. I never did show my junk on there. I can't get into the social network porn thing either. I feel more like a museum would be more appropriate, and placed well hung. Now go inhale a good whiff of smelling salts dear.

  3. I am a luddite when it comes to these sites and, actually, I think that's a good thing.

  4. Mistress Maddie's already noted it, but one would have to have a heart of stone not to be moved by dear Mr. Peenee's paean to this remarkable corner of cyberspace. Let's just say that his take is, to put it mildly, markedly more enthustiastic. À chacun son goût, after all...

  5. sounds like mj should do a live stream of this at infomaniac.