Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Facebook asks if I have seen Mildred Pierce? Why? Is she missing?
Facebook continues to annoy me. It wants to manage my friendships. It wants to decide what should appear in my news feed. And now, its asking intrusive questions about me because my profile isn't as complete as it feels it should be.
In addition to your name, your location, where you at, who you were with, what you do, where you went to school, Facebook insists on knowing what movies you like.
So the other day, I am scrolling through a group I moderate and up pops this question in the right gutter: "Cookie, have you seen Mildred Pierce?"
Seriously? Now what kind of stupid ass question is that?
I am a fifty year old gay man. Of course I have seen Mildred Pierce. What fifty year old gay man hasn't seen Mildred Pierce? Did they mean the classic Crawford version, or the Showtime version starring Kate Winslet. Of course I have seen them. Its part of the LGBT Qualifying Tests. And for extra credit, I've seen the Carol Burnett version entitled Mildred Fierce as well - the first time it aired on TV!
We can quote back the lines as well, Mr. Zuckerberg. Have YOU seen Mildred Pierce you fuck wit?
Have I seen Mildred Pierce? I see her every morning in the mirror when I get up!
And guess what Facebook, my husband has seen her and her shoes, too.
We've seen it in a theater and our house. And we have Joan Crawford enslaved on in the DVD version so she will perform at hearts content.
Since Facebook only allows for a yes or no answer, I can't select the option that is "Are you serious?"
What self respecting gay man hasn't seen Mildred Pierce, or someone dressed as Mildred Pierce in a drag show?
Seriously. (If you have really broad shoulders, and 30 inch waist, its a snap to pull off; and you don't have to worry about the shoulder pads, either.)
But with their tens of millions of dollars in developing targeting programming, this is the end result? It isn't that I'm in the closet. They know my birthday and my marital status and that I am guy who likes guys. So why would their fantastic programming pop out such a silly question?
I mean I can't tell you the name of anything that any celebrity (someone who is famous for being famous) has sung, and I don't care. But "Joan Crawford, 101" is a must know for gay men of a certain age, Mr. Zuckerberg.
Ask me something a bit tougher. Ask me "Who played Judy Kochenlocker?" or who Maria Ospenskya was? Ask me the father of Porn actor Matt Sizemore is.
But this? Mildred Pierce? Mildred Pierce is low hanging fruit here, Zuckerberg you brilliant son of a bitch midget cock punching mother fucking father sucking piss drinking asshole.
What are you going to ask me next? Have you seen Judy Garland? Lanie Kazan? Barbra? Bring it on your turds. Show me what you are made of. But I will never tell you my secrets. Never.