Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I don't know what to feel, DAMN IT!

Today is November 24th.

My mother died fifteen days ago. There is no one left that remembers life as I remember it.

My birthday was was two days ago.  Someone fucking do something for me.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  After that, it is not.

What am I going through?

I'm angry.  I'm sad.  I'm numb.

I am trying to come to grips with the most important parent in my life not being there.

I am sick of people telling me how I should feel - that I should allow myself to cry and grieve.

I am sick to death of all the same people who are telling me that I should now be happy that it was my birthday.

I want to throttle those who ask tell me how difficult it must be knowing a place at the table is now empty.

Do these people really think I am that stupid that I don't know these things?  Knowing isn't the same as feeling.

I am, at this, junction FEELING lots of stuff.

I can't turn on the tears because you feel I should.  And once the tears flow, I just can't shut them off and be "happy" its my birthday. 

I am not a fucking floor lamp. You can't clap me off and then clap on again.

I feel cheated. 

I feel like the world is fucking me over.

I have all these things that need to be done but I can't fucking focus on anything.

I want to punch the fuck out of someone.

I can't explain this rage, but I can.

I am, for the first time in 48 years, I'm an orphan and will be until I die.

I'm afraid.  I'm scared.  I am unable to control what I thought I could control.


I will survive.

But its Hell getting there.


  1. One day at a time, honey.

    You're not alone ... it just FEELS like it sometimes.

    Mistress MJ is an orphan too, you know.

    Sit on the g.d. cake fer krissakes.

  2. Hi Cookie,
    People often offer suggestions on how you should grieve out of their own sense of "uncomfortableness" and sometimes anxiety around their own feelings about death. Particularly with things like birthdays and seasonal occasions. I'm not going to do that!

    It's your grief and pain and you will do what ever you have to do when it is the right time for you. You are on no one elses schedule but your own. The pain and hurt that accompanies loss is all part of it and it sucks big time.
    But with time things do get a little easier...

    I'm sending you big hugs and will keep you in my thoughts.
    And like the good Mistress says.... You are not alone...
    By the way darling... When you've finished sitting on that cake... I'll have a piece thanks I need something to throw against the wall...

  3. I guess the only thing to do is to let yourself feel how you gotta feel.
    Hoping it's feeling better...a least a tiny bit...soon.

  4. It's really shit, isn't it?

    You aren't alone honey. It seems that the theme for this year for a lot of people is death and grieving. Myself included.

    Many hugs to you. You know us Infomaniac Bitches are here to scream and get drunk with you...but that cake...that's all yours.

  5. Baby, keep on doing what you're doing -- expressing it, trying to make sense of it, talking it through. And as corny as it sounds, try to hold on to the good stuff -- the happy memories, and also the fact that you have friends and family and a husband who love you. On top of that, people you've never even met who care about your well being and are pulling for you.

    You have a rare and wonderful gift, Stu -- I wish I could be half as expressive and evocative when I write about my personal experiences. Use that as your therapy, and remember -- we're all in your corner.

    Love you. xx