Get up, get the house ready for showings, drive to Mansfield to go shopping at my favorite dive, Gabriel Brothers (I found NOTHING!), and then back to Columbus pick up the dogs get home and the phone rings - its a request for a 5-6 showing. So I pack up the dogs and go next door (thank God for great neighbors) and we waited it out until the house shoppers left. Then, just as the fork was about to hit my tongue with the first bit of solid food all day, the phone rings - someone wanted to see the house in 20 minutes, and you know what they say: NEVER turn down a showing. So I shoved dinner into the fridge and the dogs and I once again refugeed it over to the neighbors and these people stayed until nearly eight o'clock.
So I get home, nuke dinner, sit down and flip on the TV, then I remembered that the dogs had to eat as well. So I fixed their food, nuked my dinner, again, and low and behold it's time for Love It or List It.
Well last night's episode - Retirement to House Hunting (Episode HLILI-304H, Season 3) was yet another special treat with a couple who were passive aggressive fuckwits. Actually make that "fuckwit" - a woman named Cecile, and her husband John. John and Cecile have magnanimously opened their overly decorated retirement bungalow to their great nephew, who they have taken in.
And the problem is that Nephew, who looks to be a normal kid, and his "stuff" don't mesh well with Cecil's way of life. What about John? Well, John doesn't matter because he's pussy whipped by the butch Cecil. How do I describe Cecile...well, think Hope Emerson, but without the charm and without the height.
Cecile wants a bigger house. Cecile wants to go from a two bedroom bungalow to a four bedroom house for three people. Why four bedrooms? Well evidently, Cecile has needs. And those needs include playing games, by rules that she makes up along the way.
Don't we all, Cecile?
Cecile wants to find a house that has it ALL in the same school district for their ward. And Cecil is willing to spend $800,000 (Canadian) to get it. But what of her husband, John? John wants to stay in the house and Cecile is having none of this, so she is only giving Hillary (the show's cunt, and I mean that with great affection because I adore Hillary) a paltry $55,000 to upgrade their current house, which is valued at $600,000.
NOW usually the amounts spread between the two projects are pretty equal, but Cecile wants to move so she sets Hillary up to fail, because this is what Cecile the Shrew is asking for in their narrow, one floor house:
1) A bathtub for her great nephew, who looks to be about 9, and in three years will say "baths are for girls".
2) A bedroom for her nephew on the main floor of the house.
3) The master bedroom can't be moved to the basement.
4) The second bedroom, which is Cecile's office can't be moved to the basement because Cecile needs day light least she molder.
5) An open floor plan so she can see what the nephew is doing.
6) Entertainment space.
7) A guest room.
8)The laundry room reconfigured because Cecile is such a stupid bitch that it never dawned her to use a laundry basket to move wet clothes from the washer to the dryer, or at least scrub that dirty basement floor.
Cecile wants all this and more for $55,000. And her quip of the show after snorting at Hillary? "Well she's the designer." Hillary is a designer, but even Jesus Christ Almighty couldn't pull off everything that Cecile wants for $55,000.
"She always gets what she wants," moans her long suffering husband.
So, David Visentin, the whiny Realtor goes off and does his thing, which is to show them house after house that isn't right. This gives John and Cecil the right to bitch about Visentin and the houses off camera. Then we get to Hillary. And of course, Hillary runs into problems - namely a plumbing stack. She can't give Cecile the one bathroom feature that she wants because of a plumbing stack. And Cecile goes psychotic and tries to out cunt Hillary. And Hillary calls Cecile on it in a very diplomatic fashion by saying "you're trying to set me up to fail" but in her mind she's thinking revenge. And she think probably thinking that someone needs to slap so sense into this harpy that is Cecile. Hillary is flaring her nostrils, and one does not fuck with Hillary when the nostrils are aflapping. And I'm going going to spoil the ending, suffice it to say as things progress, Cecile's demands become even more illogical and irrational. And poor John, he doesn't dare put his foot down because he's financially dependent on that harridan of a wife of his.
Honestly, I hate violence but John needs to smack her. Really, he'd be doing everyone a favor, including Cecile, who is a FUCKWIT supreme. And my nightmare of a day?
Well thankfully, I escaped dreaming of shrew who is named Cecile.