So, you are thinking about chickens, did you say?

 

Cookie knows chickens. I have learned, and know 

And Cookie is here to tell you that there is a difference between chicken in real life and the Mrs. Wiggs of Cabbage Patch fantasies about getting back to nature and raising chickens in between weeding your fields of lavender. 

Now before you get a Hen and name here Betty, Joan, Wanda, or even Henny Penny, know what you are getting into. 

My mother came from a long, long, impossibly long line of farmers.  Our family farmed from the first time they stepped off the boat in 1699 all the way up to about 1990.  And there were chickens.  And Chicken lice, and eggs, and injured chickens from them fighting in their fenced yard, etc. and so on. 

They call them "fowl" for a reason. 

They will peck at you, they will fly in your face, they will crap on you. 

The worst part is making sure they are healthy.  One of the things that you'll have to do to Betty, Joan, or Wanda is make sure their pelvic areas are wide enough to pass an egg.

Huh, you say. 

In common parlance, you need to measure what I used to call "the egg hole" - technically, I think it is called "the vent"- but I prefer the egg hole name.

Unlike aging movie stars who get saggy, baggy, crepelike skin, and the get a bit of the "dry vag", as Wanda, Betty, and Joan age, their egg holes begin to narrow.  Yes, drag queens want it tucked and tight, but your hen needs a wide berth for the egg to pass through. 

If the problem goes on too long, it's bad for the eggs, and it's really bad for the hen, and it's called a blowout, in the vernacular.  I don't want to get into it, because it's gross. (If you want the nitty gritty, click on the link, but be forewarned, it's graphic.) And you have to get in there and clean it out, you may have to poke it back in, or in extreme cases, send Betty, Joan, or Wanda to the hen house in the sky.

To prevent this, or get in front of it, you need to periodically check the hen by measuring the Egg Hole.  

And how do we measure? With our fingers darling.  The variety of hens you have (not all chicken varieties are created equal) all have their optimal widths. 

Is this really your idea of nirvana?

No, we are not going to goose the hen, but we are going to turn the hen upside down (Henny Penny is not going to enjoy this, by the way, but Joan will) and rest the appropriate number of fingers across the hole equal to its width. If the spread is good, put Henny Penny down and go about your day after washing up.  But if it is narrowing, consult your Chickens For Dummies book for what to do next, after you wash up. 

And I can tell you that while you say, "But Cookie, the fresh eggs," I'll reply that you are not Martha Fucking Stewart, but go ahead.  It isn't like you haven't been warned."

There now, do you still have a yen for chickens?  

Thought so.  

If you want something else that is impossible to work on, take up Slavic languages, take up house moving, or even Hardanger Embroidery. With the embroidery, you'll turn out masterpieces, and get to curse up a blue streak like you would with the chickens, but its so much better, and cleaner.