Thursday, February 23, 2023

The Phlebotomist is Having A Day

 


Cookie had a mad dash to the doctor today. 

I was scheduled for blood tests today in advance of a follow-up with the surgeon when one of these God Damn messages from their automated system comes in and told me that I need to check in for my appointment. 

But the bloodletting was scheduled for 10:30.  Now it's 9:30?  Well you can't call the doctor without getting trapped in the Hellish phone tree, and not wanting to miss my window, I decide to make a run for it.

So I grab a jacket, push the Prius to its limits, and make it to the medical building ten minutes late, so I am technically on time in Baltimore metrics. (You can be up to a half hour late here, they don't care.)

I sign in and get called up only to be told that my appointment is at 10:30, which I thought.  

So Cookie shows them the message, they look it up, and Receptionist tells me that "that's for next week."

"But shouldn't it give me a date for the appointment check-in?"

"One would think.  You should have called," says Receptionist.

"Your phone tree isn't easy to work through," said I.

Receptionist says, and I quote: "Yeah, we hear that a lot." and then, crickets.

I mean it's not her job to fix it, but a Comcast representative will tell you the same thing about their phone tree, which is closer to the black hole of Calcutta than anything service related. Yet these systems never get fixed.

Anyway, I get to the Vampires Den, and I think were doing one tube. I get Hotty McHotty, the male phlebotomist, and he asks how I am doing.  

"I am having a day," I reply. 

"You and me both."

Now Miss Thing is built well, looks damn good in scrubs, has a dimple in his chin, and is totally desire-worthy, but he is a prima donna.  I have seen him at the home of one of the neighborhood power couples. 

"I'm sorry."

"I'll live.  The world keeps going." Then he says under his breath "Keep it together, Minnelli."

Reader, it took every ounce of strength not to laugh.

Then a woman I have never seen comes by and tells Hotty to take a break and she'll stick me. Sotto voce she tells me "He's having a day."

Out comes my arm, looking for veins, pat, pat, pat, and she finds one she likes, then she remembers "I need to get the tubes."

Tubes?

I thought this was just a follow-up PSAT.  WRONG.  They haul out a whole battery of tubes. 

She sticks me, and I don't feel a thing.  This woman is good. And better her than Hotty, because you don't want Miss Thing jabbing you if his mind is someplace else, like looking at his husband's messages on that man's phone. 

So it was four vials, and she admonishes me for not drinking enough water before coming over, and then she hands me a cookie. 

"Usually we only give these out when we draw a lot of blood." I didn't fuss or freak out, so it was my reward for being a compliant patient.

Then she says, "He's a little off, but he'll be better in a moment. I'd appreciate you not mentioning that to the doctor when you see him."

"Me?" I say. "Not the doctor.  Besides, who am I going to tell?  "  

And I have not broken that promise. 

 


8 comments:

  1. I hear you about the phone tree. I am in healthcare management and that damn phone tree is the bane of my existence.

    Technically phone prompt choices should be less than 5 but depending on the medical office this could swell where the caller is just pressing a number to get some who will in turn get them to the right place. I have even recorded outgoing messages where choices have sub-menus.

    The ladies at the front should have acknowledged your concerns and looked into why there was an appointment time without a day/date. That is not the way it works. There are ways to run reports to determine how/when notifications were sent and to which patients. Patients will say "I never got a message!" I have recorded messages at the very start of the phone tree that callers/patients can do a lot of administrative tasks through their patient portal. The reason why staff is pushing this is we don't want to retrieve voice mail messages and handle a lot of calls. Saves time.

    I am glad you were taken care of by the phlebotomy team. I would want to know the tea on Mr. Dimple Chin. Hope your levels are within limits and you are doing well.

    Continue to recover. Summer is coming and Speedo season is just around the corner. We want to ready for your summer debut.

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  2. "Keep it together, Minnelli." What a Diva! She's evidently in the wrong profession, and probably aches to be one of Cher's flouncy chorus boys... Jx

    PS I hate automated phone systems with a vengeance. And the godawful hold music when you finally get to queue to speak to someone. And the moment that you do get through you discover it's not just "the black hole of Calcutta" but Calcutta itself, with an operative reading from a script...

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  3. I love the Minnelli comment. At least he didn't say "Luft". Why is it all male medical assistants / phlebos are hot-ish. ?

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    1. I am at the point that if they are men, under the age of forty and their scrubs aren't holding back an avalanche of blubber, well, you know. Besides, working with a phlebo is intimate. You are sitting there, the soft sensative skin of your inner arms exposed and in their hands...you know. And then they prick you.

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  4. WOW, your appointment was for the following week, but they took you anyway? (or did I miss reread the post?) The MITM was late by minutes and they wouldn't see him and suggested he make another appointment for the next week!! One of the perils of living in L.A. I guess, no exemptions. xoxo

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    1. I should have clarified - this was the blood testing in advance of the surgical follow up in this coming week. They look at the PSA levels and they should be down, substantially down, signifying that they got the cancer. If they are still elevated, then you get another PETScan, and they go hunting for where any escaped PSA could have taken up a roost, then you watch that, and chose a course of treatment.

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  5. Just THINKING about the phone tree is giving me a headache.

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    1. Comcast's Phone tree is pure Hell. Even if you have a general question about your TV Cable, they insist on bringing down your internet. Its horrible.

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