Cookie is an instigator. Most of the time I annoy people, but when I put my mind to it, I can really get under people's skin. But piss me off, invade my privacy or try and cold call me on a scam you are trying and I don't play nice.
Take these fools who call our landline. And yes, we have a landline because of the husband's job we need a phone system that works when the power is out.
But we get a lot of calls that can get irritating, and mundane. And I like to stir up the pot.
We live in a hundred-year-old house without a furnace and no furnace ductwork. (Boiler and steam heat.) but we get calls from people in India that want to sell us duct cleaning services.
Caller: "May I talk with the woman of the house?"
Cookie: You're talking to him.
{Click}
What I have started doing for the month of August is reciting random lines from Mommy Dearest whenever they ask a question. You know, just to spice it up.
Male caller from overseas: "Hello, may I speak with *Cookie Blogger* about his credit card rate?
Cookie: "Don't Fuck With Me FELLA'S. This ain't my first time at the Rodeo."
Male caller from overseas: Pardon?
Cookie: "CHRISTINA, Bring me the AXE!"
{Click}
There are also the times that we get these "keyboard" automated calls from some bullshit charity. What you hear is a humanist voice that is being driven by a human at a keyboard chocking out prerecorded phrases.
Keyboard Voice: "Hello. Am I Speaking with Cookie's Husband? I hope I have called the right number."
Cookie: "Helga, I am not mad at you. I am mad at the dirt."
Keyboard Voice: "I Can Call Back If..."
Cookie: "HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU: NO WIRE HANGERS EVER!"
{Click}
And just today I got to use this plum of a line:
Female Caller: "Hello, I'd like to speak with Cookie Blogger about ...
Cookie: "Why can't you give me the respect that I'm entitled to? Why can't you treat me like I would be treated by any stranger on the street? Why? Why?"
Female Caller: "Excuse me, this is Dr. Urologist's office calling about next Monday's appointment. Can you come in at 7:30AM instead of 11:00AM?"
Cookie: My bad. I thought you were trying to sell me something.
So I guess I'll have to give that respect line to someone else. But I need a movie for September. Perhaps Sound of Music? Misery? The Wizard of OZ?
Thank God IMDB has an app for that.
I like your way of channeling Crawford into the calls. i'm giving this a shot!
ReplyDeleteNo Brainer. Showgirls. I rather love your little revenge device. I may borrow it. How do you think it will go over at the office, face to face?
ReplyDeleteThat's just brilliant, Cookie! Might I suggest for September Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
ReplyDelete"You're all flops. I am the Earth Mother, and you are all flops!" Jx
No longer have a landline, but my granddaughter likes to answer "scam likely" calls on my mobile as if she's a vet responding to a call about a sick dog! xoxo
ReplyDeletethe Sound of Music and Wizard of Oz ARE misery. see what I did there? and I stand by it.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of the person who used the "You dialed the wrong number" speech from Desperate Living as their answering machine message.
ReplyDelete=====================
On an unrelated note, you blogged before about the destruction of Horseshoe Lake: https://dhtinshakerheights.blogspot.com/2021/09/no-really-you-cant-go-here-again.html
Now there is a new movement to save the lake. I just got a card today from
https://savehorseshoelake.com/
which has a website and a petition to save the Shaker Lakes.
--Jim
Oh, in case anybody missed that classic (Desperate Living), here is the "wrong number" clip on Youtube:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3BfLOZBT_c
--Jim
You're hilarious and brilliant, I make up a fake foreign language myself, my Mom used to revert to her first language which is Welsh and nobody even believes is a real language or still spoken at all... well, it probably isn't unless you're Welsh and in your Eighties.
ReplyDelete