Just because you can, you shouldn't

 

Just because you can doesn't mean you should, mother always said just as I was about ready to jam a knife into an electrical socket.   

"The results could be shocking," she'd add. 

And here we have something that meets that definition.   Just like New Shimmer is a floor wax and a dessert topping, we have a can opener that is also a clock.

AND a TIMER!  And they say you'll love it. (Or else.)

Does anyone really need this? No.  But do we want one? Admit it: YES!

Because God only knows how badly Cookie needs a buzzer going off when it's time to open a can. 

"Honey, did you remember to open that can of green beans at 4:18?"

"Oh, sugar. No! It's 4:30. NOW the dinner casserole will really be late!"

And it's an accurate clock so I will never be late again!

"Honey, what time is our reservation at Chez Horrour?"

"I don't know, let me check the can opener!"  

How many times do you hear that today?  I know, not nearly enough. 

And just look at the name!  

CAN-O-MATIC!

Because as everyone knows, EVERYTHING is better when "-O-" is in between two words.  It's a fact.  Don't challenge me on this. 

And yes, there is MORE!

The people who build this build the MOST BEAUTIFUL CAN OPENERS MADE*. 

It has everything.  Beauty. Utility. And it includes other bonus features. A plug. A sharp blade. And a clock. 

Who could ask for anything more? 

How about a chef to do the cooking? 

Tell me, how would you use this indispensable device?

*Don't tell this to the French.  They no doubt have a can opener that is also a car.  They do!  The Panhard Dyna. (Can oper's in the glove box.)

I am so over this stuff: Cliché signs of the times edition.

 What art Cookie bitching about now? 

This is the post where Cookie states what he has never been on board with, but is so totally over:

Say it with a blanket

Whatever the fuck this blanket (and others just like them from many vendors featuring look a like woman, all standing on porches) is, it is poorly spelled, horribly word, and just plain ugly.  The ads have been showing up all over people's Facebook feeds.  The comments are a hoot - everybody ragging on the design, grammar ("Thanks you...") and the God damned fonts on these.  They look like they were designed by some fool who was squiffed at an Apple using Indesign.  I mean can't you hear some drunk louse caught by his wife making out in the car at the bowling alley ("...with that whore, Corliss...") saying these things to apologize? 

I will encourage you to try and read this damned thing and find the errors.  It's cathartic in a way that its creator never imagined. 

"Live, Laugh, Love." signs

Sweet Jesus, I hate these.  I understand the idea behind the sign - they are cheap to make, easy to sell to people who think they are "so cute!", but really - these need to be thrown out people.  The only person who is really going to be touched by this is the person who spent their money on something like this.   And make sure you buy one with the correct punctuation.  

"MANGIA!" signs

Unless you aspire to live in a recreation of an Olive Garden - and that better include the hostess podium - there is no reason to have a "MANGIA!" sign in your house.  Say it, if you are serving pasta, by all means, but it's forced and it's fake.

Rules signs

These come in a number of styles, all cutesy.  "House Rules" on the wall of your home are unnecessary unless you are running an illegal bar, gambling operation, a whore house, or all three.  They are not cute, they are cliche. 

Trust me, the parents of the people who made them grandparents were never this liberal with their own children.

SO...

If you see a trend, you are right.   Why take up valuable wall space with this kind of crap when you can have beautiful works of art.  

None of this stuff is creative or imaginative and NONE of this crap supports artists. 

Art inspires.  

Art adds color. 

Art makes you think.

But these signs are not art.  You've been sold a bill of goods by HGTV that these are art and they are not.  They are sold at the stores that sponsor and advertise with HGTV.

No one reads them.  

No one heeds them. 

And most importantly no one needs them.  

INVEST IN REAL ART!

And back we go into the absurd

 

Do you know what's going on here?  

I know I am very confused, Honey Bean.

Tongue tongue,

Cookie

What's new on Danish TV for Children?

It is indeed a weird day.   

Georgia. 

The Electoral College certification. 

The Despicable Rally in Washington, D.C., and could also include a destructive riot if things don't go their way.   I am not even going to get into the stress on the home front.

We're dealing with a lot of stuff. 

So Cookie is offering a diversion. 

Something to get your mind off the pressing problems of the world.

Danish Television has launched a new series - JOHN DILLERMAND - for children. 

John appears to be your average neighbor in the claymation universe.  John is married to a woman - or is it his mother - I don't speak Danish. His neighbood looks very much like a model train town, well kept, cozy suburban layout, everything in its place and a place for everything. 

John has a sartorial style of his own.  White Shorts, and a red/white striped tank top that is apparently an onesie. 

How do we know this? 

Well, we see a great deal of John Dillermand's penis in the show, which in the preview I have seen, is very long.  Very, very long. 

Don't Try This at Home. 

We don't see the actual penis - it's always covered in the material of the onesie. And it acts like a snake.  Yeah, I should have made that clear.

Before we go any further - there is nothing lewd or sexually perverse in this show. Children and John Dillermand's "personality" do not interact.  It is not used as an enticement.  It is as erotic as a container of cornstarch.  And John is reminded by other adults to keep it in his pants, to which John politely agrees.  But should a lion escape from the zoo and pin children atop an ice cream truck, John Dillermand would use his attribute to whip the beast into submission so the children can get away. 

What happens is John uses his penis to do the errands and chores that he can't get close enough to or is afraid to get close to.  Like walking dogs who refuse to get near the weiner shop, where he has been told to pick something up.  John ties their leashes to his flexi-penis and then is able to get to the door of the shop and pick up his packet of weiners.  John is afraid of lighting his back yard grille, so he uses his penis to do it, and the results are bad. 

I. Kid. You. Not.

The links are below to the story and then a link to Danish TV where you can watch an episode. 

The Guardian: Denmark Launches Children Show About a Man With a Large P****

Direct link to John Dillermand Episode

Additional episodes are available on YouTube. 

And, you are welcome.