On the record about the facts of life

 For some reason, pediatricians and record labels got together in the 1950s and 1960s and decided it would be a fine idea to teach the facts of life using records. ALL of these are an example of products sold to parents who dreaded having "the talk" with their children.

So, lets start with something that seems somewhat tasteful:

Well, alright.  The title is oogie.  I think that they would have better off stating "How parents should talk to their Children," instead of using the word "instruct". Which well, is oogie in this context.  But the model children look normal or at least haven't been grossed out yet.  We give this a B grade. 

Oh look, this one comes with a book! The book is instructional and filled with basic line drawings.  And now we have reached a product written by a doctor, who we hope understands what children should hear, and delivers it in a clinical but slightly avuncular tone.  Mom and dad are there - they bought these outfits just for the talk.  And the young girl appears to have a nice jumper on her support hose. 

We give this an A for presentation and authority.

And here comes Dr. Fishbein, America's Dean of Physicians. He's not interest in talking to young girls, but he'll talk to your ninth grader.  Well, it says (Growing Girls)  so there.  Now I wasn't able to find him on Google, so we're just going to have accept that Fishy here is what they say he is.    Nothing to unsettling.  The cover is clinical, almost grandfatherly.  Fishy would probably say that "One of the responsibilities of becoming a woman is knowing these facts, rather than rely on rumors."  At the end of the recording, Mrs. Fishbein brought out a tray of sugar cookies and some Kool-Aid for the growing girl and scotch for Fishy. We give this an A- for questionable and unverified authority but he looks trustworthy, too. 

And here we go into the toilet.  SEX and RECORDS!  Long, long, too long answers to an adolescent's questions that really were horrible rumors being spread between these too.  Bud looks really uncomfortable - he doesn't have any questions.  In fact, Bud has all the answers. Father, thoughtful, but ashamed.  Sis looks hypnotized by the spinning record label. 

But it's MOTHER that draws your eyes.  

Mother looks like she's had a past.  SEX is how she snagged Father.  And MOTHER is the one who is forcing this family gathering. She'd rather be screwing the milkman, but she wants to be sure that her daughter is sufficiently scared and save herself for a lonely marriage to a college professor with good benefits and who never touches her.  Father can't even bear to look at his wife.  And she is disgusted by the way he ting-tings the teaspoon in his coffee cup.  MOTHER gave up her best years by running off with that old fool, but she has "needs" too.  Mr. Simpkins, the milkman always has something for mother's needs.  "No heavy cream today, George.  But I'll need a delivery tomorrow."  

This gets a D for being creepy and an A for creepiness.

And prepare yourself for the worst:

"IT'S TIME SHE KNEW" sounds like a lot of bellowing, but notice the sotto voce application "about Menstruation" speaks to the shame - the sin of Eve, the curse, well you get the ugly picture.   

The "you" in "YOU need not be embarrassed" means it's something unpleasant, distasteful, and frankly, so oogie that YOU, parent/guardian, get a pass.  

But then, of course, the ad wants you to do the cowardly thing.  Buy the 45rpm record for one dollar, and then make the child listen to "Sally and her mother" do your dirty work for you, which will be told in a nice manner that you cannot muster up for your child/foster child/ ward, whatever. 

And once you have shamed her into listening to the record, for added embarrassment, can you imagine this 45rpm record getting swept up in her Fabian, Ricky Nelson, and Patsy Cline record collection that she takes to a party?   One minute it's Brenda Lee singing I'm Sorry followed by Sally and her mother having an adult conversation about menzies.  

Yeah, she'll never live that down.  And she'll just die from embarrassment, too.  So we give this an "F".

As for Cookie - I learned everything that I could as young as I could.  By the time the boys in school started with the "He puts his thing in the hole where her thing should have been..." story was told Cookie reacted to it with a look that said "And what?"

"Aren't you grossed out by it?"

"No, and neither will you one day."

"That's nasty."

"Then you're nasty because that's how you were made."  

SCORE!

But the idea of being sat down by either of my parents and being told to listen to ANY of these while they watched is simply creepy.  

UGH.