Your Kipplet, the Jewish Festival of Sand

Being the product of a mixed marriage, and being the half-breed, that's all I ever was, the whole bit of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur has always perplexed me.  Why, I would ask myself, as a five-year child in Sunday School at Brith Emeth Temple (since disbanded), do Jewish People celebrate the New Year, and then pray to God to make it through the New Year on Yom Kippur?

So the holiday shakedown is this:

1) Most Jews have no idea when Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur will happen unless they read the Temple Bulletin and are DUES PAYING MEMBERS to get their seat tickets for the functions.  Yes, the High Holidays are ticketed events.  You just can't walk into a temple and get a seat.  The Holidays are set by the Jewish Calander, not the calendar that we use in the Western World.  So like shifting sands, one year to the next, the dates move about.

2) Rosh Hashanah - New Year's Day, Sunset 9/9/2018 through Sunset 9/11/2018.  This is a celebration of the close of the old and the opening of the New Year.

3) Yom Kippur - Sunset 9/18/2018 - Sunset 9/19/2018.  This is the day of atonement - the day that you atone for your sins and ask God to write your name in the Book of Life.

Here's the thing I never understood - you have two homework assignments, one in a class you hate - say Algebra, and another in a class that you love, say history.  To me, you get the Algebra done first and out of the way, then you start on the History because you can happily lose yourself in that?

So for me, I always thought that you should start off with Yom Kippur - atoning for your sins over the previous year and making peace with those who you have sinned against - and it's going to take at least ten days or so to track everyone down, and then slide into Happy New Year?

But that is not the way it works.  And as the days clock down to Yom Kippur, the angst runs higher and higher.

By the way, I should add to my non-Jewish readers, Yom Kippur is a very solemn day.  You can give someone a Rosh Hashana card - it's a nice gesture, but a noodle pudding would be a nicer Happy New Year gift, but who am I to argue - but it's unnecessary.  But never a Yom Kippur card.  It's bad form.

When I worked in Ohio, one of four non-blonds in the small company I worked for came up to me and say "Shelia in accounting tells me that your father was a "Hebrew" - and we are off to a bad start, thanks, Shelia! - "And a Jewish couple has moved in next door, and it's their New Year. What do I give them?"

I would say "It's enough to say 'L'shana tova'.  But a card isn't necessary unless you own stock in American Greetings."

They would get a confused look on their faces and say "Why am I calling them L'Shana Tova?  Their name is Brian and Sandra Appleman."

I would explain that "L'shana tovah" meant "may you be inscribed (in the Book of Life) for a good year to come," which always gave the Baptists a look like they had gas, and they would nod off with their basket full of good intentions ready to deliver a wish on a concept that they couldn't grasp.

(In Christendom, Jesus does the heavy lifting.  When you are Jewish, what you are carrying around isn't heavy enough.  Here, have some more guilt.)

Then in nine days or so that same woman hunted me down and "Well, I said Shania Twain to the Appleman's and they gave me a funny look.  I am in damage control mode thanks to you.  I have looked all over town for a "Your Kipplet" card, but Hallmark has never heard of that holiday, and you people have so many."

You know us Hebrews!  When we aren't running from the Cossacks, we're being chased by Nazis!  So let's have a holiday.  Right now.  Are you with me?

So I explained to this woman that "Your Kipplet*" was the Jewish Festival of Sand and it comes sometime while the wise men are wandering in the desert trying to find the Baby Jesus ("They traveled over a lot of sand in those days.), but that Yom Kippur is the holiest of holy days to all Jews.

"This is the twenty-four hours when you look back over the last year and tone for your sins in hope that God will write your name in the Book of Life for the year to come."

*Blink*

 "It's about reflection, and asking that God forgive you..."

"You mean they are accepting Jesus and he's saving your collective soul?  Jews are born again?"

No.  No Jesus. No.

"And we aren't born again. It's prayer for healing and renewal.  And no, you do NOT exchange gifts.  Hallmark should never create a card for this.  Not that kind of holiday."

I explained that should she happen to see the Appleman's that it was perfectly polite to say "I'm not quite sure what this Holiday means to Jews, but I hope you find the meaning and answers you seek."

Three days later Darlene hunted me down.

"You are the best.  The Appleman's thanked me with a smile, and Mrs. Appleman is going to teach me Mah Jong!  I just love playing that on the computer...."

Oh, boy.

"Darlene, just whatever you do, do not call her a Hebrew.  Hebrew is a language, not a person.  When you call a Jew a Hebrew, it's an insult."

"Got it!"

I didn't stick around to see how the Mah Jong lessons went.  Instead, we moved to Maryland.  I know if I had to explain robbing a Kong to go out that my Jewish head would explode.

And if you should run into a Darlene and they ask you when Your Kipplet is, tell them its sometime after Tisha B'av** and that you'll get back with them on that.


*This isn't a holiday.  It's nonsense from The Onion.  But we live in interesting times.
**A GREAT Drag Name for Jewish Drag Queen, pronounced "Tish Above".