Monday, September 15, 2014

Is he, or is he not dead? UPDATED

Now I know what you thinking.  No, this isn't about my father in law, so you can unclench your hand from your pearls.

I received a Facebook message last night from someone I know back home.  His stepfather, who is really his father - thats another story from a small town that I will tell at a later time - went to the Little School Reunion and heard that my Uncle Demon had died.

You read that right, Demon.

So this man came home and told his stepson - who is really his son - that he had heard that "I heard that Cookie's Uncle Demon died."  So my friend sends me this message.

He wrote "I thought you would know, but then again, I know that you two aren't speaking.  Can you get back to me on this?"

Sooooo, I did what anyone on my mother's side would do - I messaged my third cousin and her first cousin, because Demon's children are their first cousins, on their mother's side, and none of use really communicate with them.  Got that.  Demon is my uncle on my mother's side and their mother's are related to Demon's wife, Aunt Crabby, so we share first cousins.  Actually the woman who is my third cousin is a third cousin to her first cousins, but thats a story for another time. Understand?

So I get this message back that says "Oh, no!"  That came from the first cousin.

My third cousins who is also their first cousin writes back and says "Wouldn't they have called us?"

Her first cousin who is no cousin of mine, answers back that "They are still on metered phone service," which means my cheapskate uncle Demon pays $9.95 per month and .25 for each outbound call, so everyone has to call him, because he's too cheap to place an outbound call.

I asked him, my uncle that is, after my aunt (she married him and into my family, if she was already family and married him that would a story for a different time) cracked her head open on the icy stoop because she had nothing to grab onto, because he's too cheap to put up a railing, when she slipped reaching for the paper one February morning, "you must have used the phone to call 911."

"But that was a free call," says he.

So my third cousin who is also the other first cousin's first cousin says "Maybe we could email them."

And you can't email him because he's too cheap to buy a computer.  "Does Demon have a computer," asks the other first cousin who is my third cousin.  "He don't," (you read that right - she speaks the native tongue of the people back home, which includes the ever popular "he got" et. al.) have one.  Too cheap.  Says he can use the one at the library for free."

So much for that idea.

Anyhow if you want something from him, you have to call him.  And he's such a sourpuss, none of us want to call him, so the phone doesn't ring that often.  And he's angry that he has to pay for a private line, since party lines went the way of the dodo.

Why is (or "was" - we don't know yet if "he is" or "he isn't") he a sourpuss?  Well, that's a story for another time.

So this morning, not seeing anything in the paper, or on the funeral parlor web sites, we all assumed that Uncle Demon is still among the living, for now, until we hear otherwise, we guess.

So I called my friend from high school, Clem, who now goes by Clement, if he had heard anything.  "Well the shades are drawn at his house like they always are."  Thanks Clem for solving that riddle.  None of think that sunlight has been in that house since "the Sputnick" went into orbit.

Yeah, my Aunt and Uncle are the types that place "the" in front of words that do not require it.  To hear them tell it so and so "got the cancer."  The problem with this, besides being wrong is it confuses people.  My mother once asked my aunt if said aunt had asked her son "WB" to pick up another five pound bag of sugar for the cookies they were making.

"You know, WB got the sugar," says my aunt.

"You mean he has it already?" says my mother.

"Doctor said that lots of young people are getting the sugar because they are overweight.  He don't have to take the insulin, yet."

See what I mean?

But back to our uncle, who either is or is not dead, the Demon is so cheap that he probably instruct our Aunt to bury him in the back yard.  So if the police show up, because the neighs saw something like an 80+ year old woman digging a grave for her husband, or see her dragging his body outside, then it will make the newspaper for free.

But that'll be a story for another time.

UPDATE - We are, for now, assuming that the uncle is still living since none of us have heard otherwise.


  1. If only Rodgers and Hammerstein were still alive - this would make a great Western musical. Starring Buddy Ebsen. Jx

  2. Good grief! What a palaver.

    Although, I can barely wait for "another time"!

  3. Thank God this wasn't on my father's family. It would literally be Angst on a Kiplet. Besides, the Jews ALWAYS have a phone tree going.

  4. Seeing that no one else has called, nor an obit, we are working on the assumption that he is still spreading sunshine throughout hometown.