Tuesday, January 7, 2014

A little surgery

Not one to feel sorry for myself, I did get a bit of bad news today during a follow up for my blood pressure monitoring.  I need to be on drugs to lower said pressure.

But thats not the bad news.

While I was there I asked the Dr. GP to look at a hemorrhoid, and he did, and the next thing I know I was sent directly to the Dr. Butt and Gutt.  I learned that Dr. Butt and Gutt was a native of Rome, Italy and came to the states for his training, and decided to stay because he loves rollercoasters.

Well, Butt and Gutt was very nice, had me drop my pants.  If you have never been to see a Butt and Gutt, they have these fabulous tables that are like kneelers, but they elevate your arse into the air so they can have a look see.

So like Norma, I had my ass in the air for a strange man.

And before this goes any further, Cookie's whole is exclusively an outtie, period.  Cookie hasn't bottomed since 1983.  Why, because it just isn't my thing.

Anyway, in goes his finger (YIPE!), and then goes the proctoscope, and then the table comes down and he says get dressed and come into my office in his thick Italian high pitched voice.

He sits me down and says "you don't have a hemorrhoid.  No.  You got three hemorrhoid.  And they are some big hemorrhoid.  You must be in a lot of pain."

I explain that I have a high tolerance for pain.

"You and your partner, you have the anal intercourse?"

I explain its an outtie.

"Because I know many men who come to see me have the anal intercourse, and the rectum is not always thrilled with the anal intercourse."

I explain its an outtie.  Again.

"Hmmm," say he.  "Ahh!  How long you have the diverticulitis?"

I explain by saying years.  We talk.

"That explain the the three BIG hemorrhoid."

He continues on to explain that he can't remove the hemorrhoids via ligation (the shoot a rubber band it the site and it cuts off the circulation, and the object dies and falls from the rectum wall) and that "we have to do little surgery."

I feel better, a little surgery, thats not bad.

"But these are just too engorged for the ligation."

And then my stomach dropped.

"Don't worry, its out patient."

He explained that since it has been ten years since my last colonoscopy, after which my doctor in Columbus, who I adored said "If the the rules were different I'd slap you on the ass and tell you that your were pig whistle clean.  But I can't, so I will just say that you have a healthy colon without any abnormalities."

That doctor was cute.  He could have slapped on on the ass.  Instead I am giving my ass over to a 50 year old Italian who is a great surgeon, but gets zero points on the hunk-o-meter.

So this is where we are.  First procedure is schedule for the 20th.  Then we decide how to proceed on the other matter.

I mean nothing is so terrible that it can't be fixed.  Still, I hate clear liquid diets.  And it looks like I will be getting a number of them in the days ahead.


  1. i'm sorry about this tsoris, there's nothing fun about it.

    and if you think i missed my name being dropped, i did not.

    1. It was a test to see how devoted you are to me. Bring me clarified chicken noodle soup?

    2. why does it need to be clarified?
      would you take it for tomato bisque if i didn't clarify?

    3. Sweetie, its a clear liquid diet. No fats or solids. Between that and diuretics for the high blood pressure, I am gonna look like Twiggy by the time this is done.

  2. So sorry to hear but I'm glad they caught them and they are treatable. And a brief liquid diet and weight loss ain't no bad thing! On a separate note. I can't help but wonder how many men are going to the doctor and just plain fibbing. Thus making the medical field skeptics. My doctor always seems to doubt me when I tell him that I am an outtie as well

    1. Honest to God, when he asked me "Do you have the sex in the rectum" I replied "We don't have a rec room." We looked at each other for about 20 seconds before he said, "let me repeat that again."

  3. Doesn't vodka count as a clear liquid?

  4. Are those "kneelers" available at Pottery Barn?

  5. Wait - you are allowed only water, tea and "cleared" soups for the next ten days while you pop diuretica and betblockers ?
    Do they seriously expect you to walk into the doctor's office on your own legs ?

    1. No. The doctors got together and ask me to remove as much salt from my diet as possible, and set the high blood pressure mess to the side until after the recovery. They have also have significantly upper my fiber intake, mod meal, which reduces my ability to eat too much.

    2. Forget this salt-thing about high blood pressure. It's nonsense. Hypertonie is a genetically caused thing, you could not eat enough salt to bring your pressure in unhealthy hights, nobody can.
      I suffer from high blood pressure from when it was first diagnosed when I was 18. I cut out salt for some years, it was not sucessfull. What helps is movement / training and all the usual bla, Salt alone is nonsense. I am fifty now, and love my betablocker. And no, my membrum virile is still in good working condition.

  6. I'm so sorry that you have to have outpatient surgery! It'll be worth it, but how I hate surgery.

    I had semi-high blood pressure, and my integrative medicine doctor told me to try eating a minimum of 2.5 cups of veggies and 1.5 cups of fruit a day. She said to use measuring cups, don't guess. One month later I had normal blood pressure, and I still do.

    I sure hope your surgery goes well.

    1. It's not the surgery, it's the recovery that has me freaked out. I'll be fine. Better than running the chance of necrotic tissue.