Monday, March 12, 2012
Zoe Katrina this, and Zoe Katrina that...
Over at the Infomaniac, Mistress MJ has asked, what are our gay pursuits.
This jarred something loose in "mah head" and it made me think of Mike and Zoe Katrina.
We had a friend that I'll call Bruce, because that's his name. Bruce is a nice guy. But he dates the wrong men because he has a degree in psychology and thinks he knows everything, when in fact he knows less about himself than he thinks he does.
Plainly stated, no smart man will date him because Bruce is an emotional train wreck, and a smart person knows not to book travel on the Cannonball Express because it only serves up Hooterville with a side trip to Petticoat Junction.
Anyhow, Bruce hooked up with the loud fat fuck named "Mike". Imagine Cam from Modern Family, but without Cam's personality.
In fact, Mike's timing and personality couldn't have been worse.
For example, Mike was in the Columbus Gay Men's Choir, and Mike thought everyone loved choral music, which is an untruth. Mike even came to our house once and the nerve of breaking out into verse of "Tits and Ass" in hopes of ginning up the evening. All it did was make everyone stop and wait for him finish before they all got back to doing what people do at our parties, which is to booze it up and talks about other people.
While that was the last time that Mike was allowed in our house, MJ's little deal reminded me of our final encounter with Mike.
A group of us had been invited to play cards at a mutual friends house. The weather was terrible that night with loud thunderstorms and lightning. And when we got to Friend's house, friend announced that Bruce and Mike would be late. Mike adopted Greyhounds that were passed their prime and evidently the newest one - "Zoe Katrina" was having a bad reaction to the storms.
So we sat and talked and finally the six of us started a game of Tripoli and we were playing and drinking and eating and chatting when guess who walks in the door but Bruce, Mike and Zoe Katrina. Its a ballsy man who invites his dog to someone's house, but since we were all dog people anyway, it was no big deal.
So everyone gets settled to play cards when Mike starts carrying on with Zoe Katrina nesting down in her bed next to the card table.
"Now Zoe Katrina, I want you to lie down right there...and Zoe Katrina, do you need your bed shaped...Oh, Zoe Katrina, come back her and lay down..." Zoe Katrina this...Zoe Katrina that...blah, blah, blah, on and on about Zoe Katrina!
After about 40 minutes of this, he stops and says, to the group of gay guys sitting around a card game, "YOU KNOW I'M GAY BECAUSE MAH DOG HAS TWO NAMES!"
At once, everyone of us sitting around that table was thinking that it wasn't the limp wrists, that told us he was gay. It wasn't the babbling about the Gay Mens Chorus. It wasn't fawning over Bruce. No, we're supposed to know he's gay because his dog has two God damn names. And there he sits, pleased as punch with himself because we know he's gay because his dogs have two names?
And then, someone at the table spoke up, and that voice came from my mouth. And that voice said "You know I'm gay because I suck dick." And the guys at the table cracked up.
Poor Mike. He had it coming. But sometimes, the truth hurts.