Monday, April 28, 2014

Two in a row!



Today a woman walked into the Adult Cabaret Beef Barn, and she seemed agitated.  So I got out my inventory clipboard and meandered over to the Hallmark & Bullwhip section - where we keep the cards that show you care the very most and the bullwhips that sting your submissive like nobody's business - like I was there to check on the supply of our Ben Wa Dancing Eggs.

Yes, I wanted to see what kind of crazy we were having.

And that was a big mistake.

"Where are the pop-up sympathy cards," she DEMANDED to know.

"Excuse me?"

"YOU had them last week.  I need a pop-up sympathy card, NOW!"

For a moment, I imagined many things, but not something so gauche as that.

Evidently I took too long because the screaming started.

"WHERE ARE THE GOD DAMNED POP UP CARDS!"

So, and keeping my best professional face, I walked her around the card and bullwhip department, but tried to convey that I was not familiar with such an animal.

"YOU HAD THEM UP FRONT AND THEY WERE JUST THERE A MONTH AGO AND NOW YOU," anger building in her eyes, "YOU MOVED THEM!"

I calmly explained that she would need to ask at the manager's window, because I was unaware of anything like this item in our emporium.

"WHERE IS THE GOD DAMNED MANAGERS WINDOW?"  I swear I could see foam forming at the corner of her mouth, and in her eyes I saw a potential murder - mine.

Not meaning to be flip, I pointed over my shoulder behind me to the LARGE sign that read MANAGERS WINDOW.  I started to walk away and she shrieked  "WAIT A MINUTE ASSHOLE. I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU."

With a smile on my face, and professional attitude in my brain, I started to convey my deep regret when the manager Ray Don came out running as fast as his bow legged chubby legs could carry him.

I was wondering when he was going to poke his pea picking self out of the back room over this stink.

Luckily, she was so lathered up in her own little drama that she didn't miss a beat.  And for fifteen minutes she proceeded to rip Ray Don a second asshole.

By this point a crowd was forming and Corporate HATES crowds forming.  And then something happened.  Crazy woman took a look around and realized that twenty pairs of eyes were fixated on her.

"What she want....buzz...buzz...buzz...something about a pop-up sympathy card....buzz...buzz...buzz...what the heck is that?..."

Finally, about an hour after this started, we got this woman out the door.

Grief does strange things to strange people.

But a popup sympathy cared?  Well, thats just too fucked up for even me to think about.

12 comments:

  1. I'm a little fearful for you at this point. Is this store near a jail or insane asylum?

    Just remember that this experience teaches you a new attitude when you going shopping. You learn to be respectful of sales associates that are genuinely helpful and to call a bitch out for being a bad sales clerk. The difference between an associate and clerk becomes obvious.

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    1. Normally, days are pretty dull. A frying pan for this person, cock pump for this person, a book, a clitorus ring, a lap dance and the occasional person with spinach on their teeth. But yesterday was Full Moon Crazy in mid month.

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  2. yes, the pirate's right, you need a new job.

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    1. I was telling the husband that I need an antique furniture store. Mid century modern, with a section on 1980s abstraction. He seemed nonplussed. So it's back to work I go, heigh ho!

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    2. But then you get loads of "tire-kickers" who are just there to tell you, "My grandmother had one of those. She'd be in shock if she saw the sticker price."

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  3. Criminy! What have you started you white devil??? You know these things come in threes right?

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    1. Well, Mars is not in retrograde, and there is no full moon, so I haven't the foggiest idea what or when that will happen.

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  4. Now I can't stop thinking of pop-up sympathy cards! It's like having seen a car crash and not being able to look away while driving very slowly past.

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    1. I know. And what pops up when you open the card? Even if it were just a cut out of a bouquet of flowers, I can't help but think how gauche that would be!

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  5. I suggest you make an appointment to have a tetanus shot.

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  6. I have seen a pop-up Halloween card, where a skeleton pops out from behind a gave marker. Would be perfect for this woman. I can't imagine she has any actual friends she needs a card for though.

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  7. Point her to the "Flippy the Bird" series, always welcome.

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