Saturday, November 30, 2013

Whatever became of old what's his name, the Swinger?

So, this ad is from an old issue of Viva Magazine in 1974, which was Penthouse for women back in the day.

Seeing that it will soon be an astound 40 years since it ran in a couple of months, I ask the question, whatever became of these spokesmen for Jovan Musk - a cologne so closely associated with the 1970s that only patchouli could overcome it in my olfactory senses.

We have:

1) B. Van Sickle, Sportsman,

2) J. Fink, "Swinger"

3) B. Shipp, "Husband"

4) R. Hart, "Attorney"  -and -

5) K. Cawthorne, "College Student"

Anyone care to guess what their M.O. turned out to be?

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Thanksgiving comes but once a year...

...but your Aunt Audrey's little digs last months afterward.

Your aunt Audrey is always the first to arrive on Thanksgiving day and the last to leave.  She spends most of time judging others.  She's judging you right now.   She peppers her comments with little needles, and saves the heavy ammunition for dessert time.  Did you make turkey soap, she asks?  No, you mother says, but it'll thicken up in a minute when it heats up.

Audrey arrives with a frozen pie, your Uncle Harold, and you two cousins Howard and Elise.  Your favorite Aunt, your mother's youngest sister Adele is the mother of your favorite cousins, but they show up just before the meal hits the table.

Audrey is always the first to ask your mother is she needs help (you mother always says no, because, well, thats your mom), and the last person to help with the clean up.  Audry is just tits about collecting the linen napkins and tossing them down the chute.  Thats the extent of her helpfulness.

As a teenager, Audrey was the first to bring up your acne ("Looking at you I start craving a peperoni pizza) and then she wants you to go pop the zit on your forehead because it looks like a third eye.  "Stop the bleeding with some Clearasil!"

Now that you are all grown up, she asks, how's your job.  You tell her.  In a hushed voice she says "You sound like your mother," and "sure its a job, but is it a career?" and the hurtful dig "your mother can't sleep because she knows you just get by.  Stop thinking about yourself, do the right thing for once."

To your sister its about her boyfriend.  "SO I was talking with your date and he tells me he's Korean.  I am assuming he's from the right side of the border?"  Your sister attempts to protest, but Audrey overrides her by saying "Look, if you are going to have a baby, just make sure that he can't take it back with him, that's all I'm saying."

To your father its "So Harold, when are you going to move up to our neighborhood?   Adele deserves the best, you know what I mean."

To your grandmother it's "Ma, just let it go. If she wanted the plastic off the furniture she would have taken it off herself."

To your grandfather its "Dad I don't want to hear about it.  Now don't ruin a nice day like this."

And this is why Thanksgiving can become such a monumental drag.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

This year...

...please don't go to any trouble by making me something.  Send a card instead, OK?

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Pardon us if we don't join you in the Hot Dog Hot Tub

You have to kind of wonder who was running the Wrigley Chewing Gum Company's marketing efforts in the 1950s.  To push gum as a desert, they ran a series of ads done in tri tone black, white and red, featuring recipes, and I use that term loosely, that had NOTHING to do with gum, except to say "Oh, yeah - your family needs to chew more of our gum."

And the recipes were all stinkers.  Cake recipes that told the reader to ""make a box cake according to instructions...decorate with gum drops...and for that clean cool taste, try Wrigley's Spearmint Gum..."

This dude above is one of their hot dog hot tube recipes.  Slice "franks" lengthwise and arrange in an oven safe dish.  Open a can of potato salad (note: they don't give you a recipe for the potato salad, they want you to open a "can" of it) and dump it the middle.  And then, in a coup de gras of cookery, they invote the reader to ADD A LITTLE MORE GLAMOUR by adding in some "catsup", or "chili" or "barbeque sauce".  

I have this vision of a Mom, in between John's, chewing that gum and taking this concoction out of the gas oven and setting down in front of her three children, each fathered by a different man, and each as street smart as their Mother and the eldest, a girl asks "Say, what do you call that?"  Mom cracks her gum like a pistol going off and says "I call that you dinner and breakfast.  I'm off to make money for your lunch.  See ya, toots."

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Not a day goes by...

...that I don't miss you.  You were so right, we had a lot of fun when it was you and I against the world.

Cookies Mom
November 9, 2010

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Hauling ass all over Baltimore

Q: So what has Cookie been doing of late?

A: I changed my last name.

Q: You did?

A: That is right, I have. I legally had my last name changed to my husband's last name.

Q: But why?

A: Well, its all very simple.  My last name, the one that I got stuck with because it was my father's, was a real mouthful that people couldn't pronounce or spell.  And frankly, seeing how I have a love/hate (mostly hate) relationship with my late father I just decided, as my friend Martha Smith Standish would say, "it was simpler" to de-emphasize it.  So instead of "It" being my last name, the old last name now becomes my second middle name.  So I have a four part name.  This will help with the books that Cookie has written, and will bridge them more easily to the books that I will write in the future.

Q: So why have you been hauling ass all over town?

A: Well, when the decree came down, I had a set number of days in which I need to get the paperwork going.  Social Security, Maryland Vehicle Administration, et. al. all have time frames that must be met.   And Oh, because the certificate hadn't arrived at my home yet, I had to go to the courthouse to get copies of filing because all these agency's want originals.  Most give them back, but you can never be sure.

Q: But, aren't you married?  Couldn't you just take your husband's name like all the other married folks?

A: Ah, there is part of the rub, as it were.  In Massachusetts, where we were married in 2008, you have to tell them BEFORE you get married what your married last name will be and that goes on the certificate.  And because we were living in Ohio, and the chances of living in a marriage equality state was slim to none, I said I was keeping my surname as it had been up to that point.  And now that the Federal Government and 15 states and the District observe marriage equality, and because none of these agencies all work the same, in speaking with an attorney, we figured that this route would be the best way to go.

Q: And...

A: Well, what we found is that the Federal Government would accept the name change WITH the marriage license, but the Maryland MVA would say that they would accept the Massachusetts marriage license because I didn't declare on IT that I was changing my name.  And dealing with the MVA is like dealing with the Knights Who Say "NI".

Q: Who are the "Knights Who Say NI"?

A:  Really?

The rules that MVA Employees observe depend on the whims of the person you get when they call your name.  You could get someone who changes it, no problems asked, ie, they like the shrubbery.  OR you can get someone who doesn't like marriage equality, in this case, the shrubbery, and demands that you produce other documentation or perform other tasks, like bring them another shrubbery, or in the worse case, cut down the biggest tree in the state using only a herring.

Q: Where else have you been? 

A: All over God's creation.  Trust me on this.  Between out of town guests, this name change and pre Christmas shopping (I loathe the mall during the holidays), I have been as busy as MJ's beaver!

Saturday, November 2, 2013

What to get me for my birthday this month.

From Better Homes and Gardens, November, 1959.

Norma loves this.  Weiners while driving?  Don't mind if I do!