Sunday, December 25, 2016

Merry Christmas*, and *the appropriate legal disclaimer



From Cookie and The Husband, we send you our holiday best, and holiday wishes - may your Christmas is merry and bright.*


___________________________________________________________________________

*DISCLAIMER

The following Terms and Conditions may apply.  By reading this Christmas Wish, The Cookie and Doing Hard Time in Shaker Heights (DHTiSH) do not guarantee, indemnify or otherwise promise, hint, suggest and or otherwise deliver any said "wish", may it be expressed by the host of this blog, or used by the reader when redeemed.

Said sentiments are legal in your location, if allowed by local, state and Federal law, and may also be used if said reader is a resident of any other friendly nation to the United States, and are available to any adult over the age of 18 without a felony conviction in the states of Louisiana, Mississippi or Florida.  Those reading this blog under the age of 18 must do only after submitting a notarized parental permission slip.

Furthermore, said reader shall not misconstrue any such statement of wish to mean anything other than it meanings in the most abstract terms.  Do not attempt to use said wish if you, or anyone else is operating a motor vehicle or heavy machinery.   In the event of an emergency landing you will directed to the nearest emergency exit.

Delivery of said wish is the full financial responsibility of the "Wishee" as are all appropriate taxes, licenses and permits needed or required to own, operate, store or build.  In some cases, you may need regulatory permission, and this wish does not cover any legal fees associated with your wish, the making of the wish, or the placement of said wish.

Discontinue the use of this Christmas Wish if exposed skin develops a rash.  Call you doctor if you experience an erection lasting more than four hours.  Do not cross go, do not collect $200 dollars.  If cabin pressure drops below a certain level, a mask will drop from the compartment above.  If you are traveling with small children, please place the mask over your own face first before placing one over their face.

DO NOT remove tag under penalty of law.  Do Not take more than then one wish, the recommended dose, as serious injury may occur.  Stop using your wish if you develop shortness of breath tenderness, loss of appetite, ringing in the ears, throbbing in your temples or a bit of the dry vag.  If the wish causes you to cough for more than 14 days, see your doctor, because it may be an indiction of other underlying conditions.

This wish is not guaranteed, however it may be void if you live in a flood zone as your standard home owners insurance may not cover damage from any high water that may result.  Eating an under-cooked wish my expose the Wishee to unsafe bacteria - please thoroughly cook your wish to an internal temperature of 175 degrees, Fahrenheit.   Do not flush said wish down the toilet because it may cause sewer issues, and repair to such is not covered by said wish.

Said wish may not be used to wish, inflict or cause harm to any person, living being or national interest.  The delivery of any fuel, chemical, natural resource, man made or natural chemical compound that may cause harm to others is hereby excluded from this wish.  Said compounds may include fuels, alkalies, acids, patent in-force or patent pending proprietary formula that can react, fizz, smoke, explode, or otherwise harm a living being.

You must be this high to ride.

And wish that can transmit, receive or otherwise emit a signal, a pulse, an electronic wave must first pass FCC approval channels.  Likewise, if you wish requires the writing of a check, it falls to the Wishee to comply with any and all ID requirements.

This wish may not be exchanged, tendered, traded, resold, and it has a cash value of 1/1000 of a cent.  Said offer may not be combined with any other wish.  One wish per visitor.

The Cool Cookie, i.e. the wish grantor, reserves the right to withdraw this offer at anytime and without prior notice rescind, modify or terminate the Christmas wish procedure.  The wish grantor also reserves the right to withhold said wish until an amount equal to the tax owed is received or a bond equal to the amount owed is posted and named Internal Revenue Service is cited as the beneficiary by the Wishee.

OTHER CONSIDERATIONS include not breaking the seal until ready to use, do not shake, jostle or otherwise cause the wish to become agitated.  With six, you get egg roll.  Flush eyes with water for one minute.  Do not push the red, shiny button.  Please leave the airplane bathroom clean for the next passenger.  This is a coaster - use it.  Proper dress required.  Look both ways before crossing.   Do not spit on the floor.

Do not leave oven unattended.  Surfaces may be hot.  Freezing may cause separation of ingredients.  Be kind, rewind.  Keep hands and feet, and other body parts away from moving parts.  If you see something, say something.  Keep Off. No Parking. Yield.  Wipe your feet before entering.  Sit up straight.  Clean your plate.

And, most of all...

Do not SASS me.


10 comments:

  1. no smoking. coffee is hot. water is wet. the sky is blue.

    if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do not expose to heat, do not allow to freeze, store away from children. You get it.

      Delete
  2. Despite your disclaimers and qualifying boilerplate, this Christmas greeting is blatantly illegal. Better brush off your Bunce Brothers suit--I'll see you in court over this, Buddy!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ah, the 21st century wish... The modern equivalent to the Witch Trials!

    Happy Boxing Day, Cookie!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What is it I am suppossed to be doing right now? Hitting someone or packing up stuff for shipping.

      Delete
  4. I was all set to codify the rules and then i saw the anti-sass part and, well, I'm'a have to pass.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh! Just wait until your father comes home.

      Delete
  5. one would think you'd be busy trimming trees & fetching canapes from the oven.

    ReplyDelete