Friday, April 8, 2016
Time in a Bottled Up
Cookie has a confession.
I am an introvert, and I am about to lose my mind.
I tend to be a bit of an disciplined loaner. I have patterns that I follow and they comfort me. They give me a sense of accomplishment. If I go to the store, I go in the morning. If I clean, I clean in the morning. My afternoons are designed to be a bit more freeform. I have my daily routine, but sometimes, when the "gotta do" things of life are done, I need to go do things that I normally wouldn't do. Like go down a street that I normally wouldn't go down.
As my mother would say "Take a new path every day, because one day you'll be dead and you won't be able to go down that street you hope to get to travel down."
Call it small scale wanderlust, but it's something I am compelled to do. I need to see different things, go different places.
The problem is that two weeks ago I came down with that horrible bacterial bug that's floating around. And in no time, my husband got it. We had planned to go to Boston to visit my mother in law, but when you are as sick as we got, the only places we went were to the couch or to take a nap. And we were down with said bug for a solid week.
That's a lot of togetherness for a loner. A lot.
THEN, he had his hernia surgery first of this week. So again, we have spent a great deal of time together while he has healed. Tuesday morning I had to get out and go to the store.
But it's now Friday, and I am as tense as can be.
My husband is a kind, loving, wonderful man. Yet I am about to lose my sanity.
He's going back to work on Monday, and I will be lonely when he is gone. I will worry about him. I will rejoice when he returns from work Monday evening.
But at this moment, I am on the verge of crumpling like a piece of reused foil.
Alone time for an introvert is like having your battery recharged.
If I were an extrovert, all this togetherness would recharge me.
Right now I feel drained, unmotivated, unaccomplished. And my brain feels exhausted.
And you feel guilty when you are like this. I cannot imagine my world without him. So when I get like this I feel like I am crazy. God forbid that one day I will be alone. And then I will wonder what the fuck was wrong with me for not revelling in these languid hours.
But, right now, I think I may need to scream.