At the December 19, 2015 meeting of Schadenfreudian's Anonymous, I take to the stage.
My name is Cookie (Hello, Cookie) and I have had impure thoughts.
(Crowd buzzes, nodding their heads, trying not to look at their phones...)
You see, last Tuesday, the news reports came out that someone who my childlike self feels is evil, landed himself in a whole lot of trouble.
(The room quiets. A couple people try and repress their smiles. They know my secret shame...)
And I, well, I found myself struggling to think kind thoughts of this person. I didn't want to stoop to an unkind level. I am trying to be a better person. I am trying - like Oprah tells people - to attract good energy around me, so that people will come to me and include me in positive, life affirming activities.
(You can hear a pin a drop, and then Norma Desmond stands up and says...)
"For crying out loud - that putz Martin Shkreli had it coming Cookie!"
(The room erupts, and sheds it's pious facade.)
This is how it plays out in my head. I am trying to be good. But it is such a struggle.
I am sure that there is something, even a molecule of his brain that can be redeemed in Martin Shkreli. OK, half a molecule. Maybe an atom.
But at the same time I am so enjoying watching this
And the worst part about it is that I want him to suffer. Really. I mean suffer. I mean suffer like he caused others to suffer. I don't want any harm to come to him besides being locked up for life.
Nothing a good dry assfucking couldn't cure. But not with my dick; no effing way. Because anyone who ass fucks Martin Shkreli has a ruined dick. Think about it. Who wants to be dicked sister with Martin Shkreli?
And those aren't nice thoughts towards others - especially at Christmastime!
But look at what he did - and it has nothing to do with that drug price increase.
This son of a Albanian bitch not only ripped off investors in his two investment schemes, but then he took a fairly sound company and began stealing from it to pad his wallet and pay people off, in that order.
In other words, he was running a Ponzi scheme. Not on the scale of Bernie Madoff, mind you.
But what makes this so vile is that he's behaving as if he's Leona Helmsley incarnate.
I just want to smack his face. You know?
But at least Leona made sure that your linens were clean and the hotel food was "good".
So yes, I am a Schadenfreudian's Anonymous member who has failed.
So now I am trying to think good thoughts. Nothing but good thoughts, about everyone and everything. But I am really struggling...