Monday, April 28, 2014

Two in a row!



Today a woman walked into the Adult Cabaret Beef Barn, and she seemed agitated.  So I got out my inventory clipboard and meandered over to the Hallmark & Bullwhip section - where we keep the cards that show you care the very most and the bullwhips that sting your submissive like nobody's business - like I was there to check on the supply of our Ben Wa Dancing Eggs.

Yes, I wanted to see what kind of crazy we were having.

And that was a big mistake.

"Where are the pop-up sympathy cards," she DEMANDED to know.

"Excuse me?"

"YOU had them last week.  I need a pop-up sympathy card, NOW!"

For a moment, I imagined many things, but not something so gauche as that.

Evidently I took too long because the screaming started.

"WHERE ARE THE GOD DAMNED POP UP CARDS!"

So, and keeping my best professional face, I walked her around the card and bullwhip department, but tried to convey that I was not familiar with such an animal.

"YOU HAD THEM UP FRONT AND THEY WERE JUST THERE A MONTH AGO AND NOW YOU," anger building in her eyes, "YOU MOVED THEM!"

I calmly explained that she would need to ask at the manager's window, because I was unaware of anything like this item in our emporium.

"WHERE IS THE GOD DAMNED MANAGERS WINDOW?"  I swear I could see foam forming at the corner of her mouth, and in her eyes I saw a potential murder - mine.

Not meaning to be flip, I pointed over my shoulder behind me to the LARGE sign that read MANAGERS WINDOW.  I started to walk away and she shrieked  "WAIT A MINUTE ASSHOLE. I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU."

With a smile on my face, and professional attitude in my brain, I started to convey my deep regret when the manager Ray Don came out running as fast as his bow legged chubby legs could carry him.

I was wondering when he was going to poke his pea picking self out of the back room over this stink.

Luckily, she was so lathered up in her own little drama that she didn't miss a beat.  And for fifteen minutes she proceeded to rip Ray Don a second asshole.

By this point a crowd was forming and Corporate HATES crowds forming.  And then something happened.  Crazy woman took a look around and realized that twenty pairs of eyes were fixated on her.

"What she want....buzz...buzz...buzz...something about a pop-up sympathy card....buzz...buzz...buzz...what the heck is that?..."

Finally, about an hour after this started, we got this woman out the door.

Grief does strange things to strange people.

But a popup sympathy cared?  Well, thats just too fucked up for even me to think about.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Whatever you do...



So I was working last week at the Adult Cabaret and Beef House Strip Club when a client, who looked like an old black version of ET, came in and asked where we kept our "Baubles".

"Come again," asks I.

"Your baubles! BAUBLES! Holy baubles," says she.

OH!  BIBLES? "Why didn't you say so?"

I lead the woman to that spot and then went about my business.

As I was walking about, looking for those who would similar assistance, I heard this dry digging sound.

So I decided to swing down the aisles and who did I  find but ET, holding a "bauble" in her left claw and the other claw scratching, digging at her pant suited behind.

Just as what was going on registered in my mind she looked at me, and it must have registered in her mind that I had seen he pick her seat, and said "What are you looking at, you white devil?"

Leading me to imagine HWJSHA*?


*How would Jesus scratch his ass?

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Family Matters



Today I found myself alone in my car, driving 40 minutes southwest towards Washington, DC.  I was wearing dress pants, white shirt and tie and my best shoes.  I should have been in heaven, but instead my trip took me far short of DC, and I instead ended up in the suburbs of Olney, Maryland.

This was a day of obligation and respect.  I was on the way to family memorial gathering, but for someone wasn't family, but was.

ALL of my brothers are half brothers on my fathers side of the family.  The funeral today was for their Uncle Marty.

Because one brother was in California, and the other in Ohio, I felt it was important that someone from my fathers family be there.

One of the things that I did after Dad died (and left us all a legal mess epic proportions) was to get in touch with the brothers Aunt.  The Aunt, a lovely woman, had been cut out of the boys lives by my father.  Once their mother was gone, that was that.

So I called her to tell her the beast was gone.  So Aunt reclaimed her rightful position in my brothers lives.

Once we moved here, we thought about going to see her, but with Marty is rough shape, we never knew when was a good time.

And that brings us to today.

I know that I didn't inflict pain into her life and rob my brothers of a lifetime of love from their mother's only living sister.  But I do feel that I should repair as much of the damage he caused.

Niecy and her brood showed up - and I accidently turned myself into the ogre of the day when I asked her three year old son to stop touching all of the cookies.  OY!

And Aunt went around introducing me "I had a sister who passed, and she left behind her husband and two sons.  Cookie is from my former brother in laws second marriage....and I can't tell you how shocked and glad that he is here!"

This impressed all of her friends when called me a "mensch".

I met the Aunt's best friend who asked where my wife was.  "Well," he's at home..."  She says "Old habits die hard.  Is he a doctor?  Because if he is, never complain about the hours he keeps."

I left after two hours and then drove home.

Along the way I thought what shame it was that my brothers spent most of their lives without their Aunt.

One of the great sadnesses of life is that funerals these days come to often.  There used to be a time when they were rare events.  But now they come to often and they take the people who have always been there, the people that we think, "oh, I'll call them next week," only they aren't there and its too late.

If there is someone in your life that you you keep putting off, stop and call them or better yet see them.  Life is precious and it is fleeting.  Embrace them now, instead of eulogizing them after they've passed.

Friday, April 18, 2014

What the best dressed locks are wearing this season



TRUE STORY:  We have a dear friend in Ohio who took care of his aging mother for many years.  Ethel was a real pistol.  Frail, but she didn't suffer fools very well and at times could exhibit a very salty tongue.

So Davey would see that Ethel was up every morning and then he or his partner would get her on the bus to adult daycare, and then one of them would retrieve her at night for the ride back home.

Davey picks her up one night, gets her into the car's passenger seat, gets himself into the drivers seat and starts the car. He tells her to buckle herself in, and Ethel grumbles, but starts the process.  And Davey waits, and watches as she fusses and struggles with the seat belt.

Does she need help?  No.

Are you sure you don't need help? No.

Finally he says "Well you know we're not moving this car until you get snapped in."

"How the Hell," replies an exasperated Ethel, "do you expect me to find the hole if there's no hair around it?"


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

What do you get when you take these two images and mash them together?


Hippie Barbie +


Public Service Announcement from the 1960s =



So remember kids, get your Barbie checked so you don't keep giving the gift that keeps on giving.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Cookie, the Old Jewish Lady and The Wrapping Paper



So Cookie is at work work last week and was assigned to the front of the house to work with people because staffing was thin.  Because I can do many things, I get assigned to do many things, and working with the great unwashed was where I was told to station.

The majority of the people who patronize the "Showbar and Beef House" where I work are nice people.  But like like any job, every now and then you end up with a couple of clowns, or someone's bubbie who is a bit of a pill.

Because Cookie can wrap presents like nobodies business, one of the floor managers asked if I could head over to the wrapping department because "Carole" was having an issue with a customer and it being BOTH Easter and Passover Season, everyone was buying gifts.

I called next and got a miserable old Jewish woman.  How do I know she was miserable?

Cookie: Good afternoon, how may I assist you today?

MOJW: Don't give that 'I'm happy to see you' chazzeri.  I need to you to wrap these.  What kind of paper do you have?

Cookie: We have the samples on the wall.

MOJW: Those are ugly.  I want the paper you give the special people.

Cookie: What we have is displayed on the wall.  Or we have these papers and bags for sale in the "Stationary and Lap Dance" area.

MOJW: I don't pay for wrapping paper.  Do you know who I am?"

Cookie: No...

MOJW: You don't seem interested in helping me, so just wrap them in that crappy green paper.

So I wrap her gifts and ask "Would you like bows, as well?"

MOJW: There's that happy crap, again.

Cookie: Excuse me?

MOJW: Nevermind.  Give me three more feet of that wrapping paper, I have other presents for the grandchildren and I don't need you to wrap them.

So I tore off a length and gave it to her.

Carole, my co-worker, walked over and said "Why did you give her that paper?  We only wrap what we sell."

True, we are only supposed to wrap what we sell, but the old broad was more trouble than she was worth.   So I told Carole that she was nasty, drawing attention like flies to honey, and now she has left the business to spread her special type of sunshine to other parts of the world.

As I worked through the rest of the shift, I had to wonder what had shit all over this miserable old broad in her life to be nasty to other people.  Then I reminded myself that she was old and Jewish, and who knows what she had lived through in her lifetime, or had to put up with.  Maybe she was stressed about the upcoming Passover holiday.  Or maybe she was just a mean old bitch.  Either way, in our store she was causing a scene - out the door she was out of mind.

When I was clocking the General Manager came up to me and said "I understand that you gave away some free wrapping paper today..."

So again, I described what happened, and the woman and question.  Yes, says I, we lost all of two cents on generic wrapping paper, but it got that old bat out of the area on with her uplifting message of joy.  "She had all clearance priced stuff, she wanted the free wrapping paper and was simply miserable."

"Well," says the manager who is always ready with a back-handed comment, "She's still a valued client."

"And what better to show she was valued than to give her .10 of bulk paper and make it seem like it cost us a thousand times as much?  And besides, she bought up that stuff that has been on the clearance cart for the past month.  That makes her worth her weight in gold, right?"

And this gets me thinking - what is it about about consumers that makes them feel that that simply because people work in retail that they are ready, willing and able to take abuse from people who are too cheap to pay for something as minimal as wrapping paper?