Sunday, December 28, 2014
"Krab" with a "K"
Being that it is only December 28th, Cookie is stuck in Retail Hell, and that means having to spend a great deal of time in the cultural wasteland that is Reisterstown Road in NE Greater Baltimore, dealing with people who will try to screw you anyway possible.
At the Strip Club and Beef Barn, people are returning things that have evidently been used, poorly reboxed, and then returned without a receipt. Since I do not own the beef barn, and since we have been told that it is all about the "experience" of "beef" and "strippers" (new readers may be confused by this. It is a cloaking device so my corporate bosses don't try and shut down my blog) what do I care why they are returning?
I don't. As unreceipted merchandise, that we normally stock, they get the lowest price in our database. I dance the dance I need to dance to make others happy.
But I refuse to give these "patrons" the unreasonable, full price. Why? Because its morally wrong and practically theft.
"What do you mean this this used sex toy is only worth $4.98," asks a heavily accented grandmother. "My granddaughter would never buy me a gift that only costs $4.98," she asserts.
I patiently explain that her granddaughter could have paid full retail, $20.95 for the small purse sized vibrating object before it went on clearance in February 2013, but the system is only allowing for $4.98.
"My granddaughter would have not paid just $20.95 for a gift for I, her beloved grandmother. I am sure you charged her fifty, even a HUNDRED dollars for this cheap item that you now say is worth only the price a gallon of gasoline!"
And this is how it goes. People bring stuff in the door, and they expect you hand them whatever dollar amount they feel its worth.
Then there are the errant couponers. Corporate sends out coupons like Typhoid Mary sent out germs. And they expire. But the eastern european euro-trash foreign nationals who live in the area don't understand the concept of "expiration dates."
"You," said one angry woman with flaming orange hair (that most certainly wouldn't match anyone's carpet) pointed at me accusingly, as if to imply that I sent her an expired coupon. "You, sent this to me when I was sick in bed and now I demand to use this coupon!"
I explain to her that the coupon she is trying to use expired in October. "It is not my fault that I have been busy since then!"
All the while, I hear my manager "it's about the experience." Yet when I ask for the over ride, I get "Well October is a bit far back...."
It's times like this that I want to page the store for "Jack Hughes".
Yesterday, I had one man come into our shop, rudely insert himself into a conversation I was having with another customer about how to use a thumb index (no joke), and insisted that I help him at that moment with his hand-held device.
I excused myself from the befuddled customer I was helping and asked a coworker to help this man, giving her the eye signal that the guy was a handful, and he says, "I don't want no nigger like Obama telling me...blah, blah, blah..." My befuddled customer, gave the man a sharp look, and went back to the index at hand. My coworker and I both used our headsets to alert the manager that it was customer "tag" time, and she was it.
Now, just so you not think that I surround myself with crazies, 99% of the people I encounter are normal people. Its just the 50% with unreal expectations that I kvetch about.
And its not just my store. You find these people everywhere in the NW corner of Baltimore. They just don't save it for me.
The other day on my lunch hour, I had to run to the local Giant to pick up something to eat. While standing at the deli, there were two women standing just behind me. Their conversation was thus:
Young Woman One: "Look at dat, what is that?"
Young Woman two: "Dat?" pointing with a finger that my peripheral vision picked up along my side.
YW1: "Yeah, that 'krab salad' shit. They misspelled 'Krab' with a 'K' when it should be a 'C'."
YW2: "My mama says that it's kosher krab so the Jews can eat it."
YW1: "What make it kosher?"
YW2: "All krab with a 'K' is kosher because it starts with the same letter as 'kosher'...."
There comes a time in everyone's life when you can address someone's stupidity, but that urge is overcome by the feeling "what good will it accomplish. This was one such moment.
After a day of "Many unhappy returns", Cookie just didn't care.
Instead I ordered my turkey breast, paid for it, headed to the Cookiemobile and, once seated and belted in, doors closed and locked, I screamed at the top of my voice.
Regaining composure I headed back to the Beef House and Strip Club for round two of my double shift.
Think of me the next time you see an offer for "krab" with a "k".