Monday, January 27, 2014
Now we know who to blame: Armstrong Floors.
Dear Reader, you know that I love antiquing and junking. Every now and then you find a lovely piece of antique furniture that someone ruined at some time in the past by painting it. "Who would do that?" one often asks themselves. Or my favorite - like an 1840s dresser that someone in the 1960s decided to "antique" with paint. Isn't 120 years old in 1968 terms already an antique?
I found this on the inside cover of an old issue of American Home Magazine, and Reader, Cookie was speechless. And given I was in loo was just coincidence.
Well, lets start right here in the narrative:
So here we have the narrative. A housewife with a gaggle of furniture styles asks an old man who sells LINOLEUM for design advice. So what does he do?
He sells he LINOLEUM for her LIVING ROOM FLOOR. Oh, bitch please!
Today, his alone would spark a comment like "Tom, you aren't going to be happy honey, but the floor people just ripped up the 1960s carpet and instead of hardwood, they found linoleum with an asbestos backing glued to the hardwood. We're going to have to call in a environmental clean up company. What? How would I know who the hell would lay down linoleum floor on hardwood?"
Well we know know, it was Mr. Hart who ruined the floor.
Back in the narrative Mr. Hart then picks the wall color and the accent wallpaper, and tells her to PAINT THE VICTORIAN CHAIRS WHITE. Seriously, what the hey?
On Antiques Roadshow, they would draw a collective gasp and clutching of pearls. "The paint has ruined the value."
Then, and this is my favorite part, he has her hand a floor to ceiling curtain in mid room so she can back up a dilapidated spinnet piano from 1910, which get a coat of paint. So the piano is on one side of the drape, and the sofa on the other side. Isn't that clever?
Then he sells her some flea market tables and lamps. And he mounts coach lights way up top of the fireplace. Evidently no one has that coach lights belong on coaches, not walls. But he's not done, oh no he's not!
His cherry on top for the room is, drum roll, please: a huge ass black ceramic eagle to perch right over the fireplace. Quelle horreur!
What is it with people and Eagles? In nature, they are majestic. But perched above a fireplace, it becomes a conversation piece. In an flea market today it would bring "What do you do with it? Put it on the mantle? Oh. Bitch. Please. You are too funny. Now seriously, what does one do with it? Make it into a bird bath with a metal garbage can lid?"
And the Eagle thing is all over freaking Baltimore. If Baltimore was the setting for an ironic show like Portlandia where you "put a bird on it", the catch phrase would be "slap a spread eagle on it." They are every where.
So if you have ever wondered why someone would do something stupid to a perfectly knick knack, or buy a huge black eagle, you got your answer. Armstrong - the tile people put them up to it.
So what's your favorite part of the room above?