Tuesday, January 7, 2014
A little surgery
Not one to feel sorry for myself, I did get a bit of bad news today during a follow up for my blood pressure monitoring. I need to be on drugs to lower said pressure.
But thats not the bad news.
While I was there I asked the Dr. GP to look at a hemorrhoid, and he did, and the next thing I know I was sent directly to the Dr. Butt and Gutt. I learned that Dr. Butt and Gutt was a native of Rome, Italy and came to the states for his training, and decided to stay because he loves rollercoasters.
Well, Butt and Gutt was very nice, had me drop my pants. If you have never been to see a Butt and Gutt, they have these fabulous tables that are like kneelers, but they elevate your arse into the air so they can have a look see.
So like Norma, I had my ass in the air for a strange man.
And before this goes any further, Cookie's whole is exclusively an outtie, period. Cookie hasn't bottomed since 1983. Why, because it just isn't my thing.
Anyway, in goes his finger (YIPE!), and then goes the proctoscope, and then the table comes down and he says get dressed and come into my office in his thick Italian high pitched voice.
He sits me down and says "you don't have a hemorrhoid. No. You got three hemorrhoid. And they are some big hemorrhoid. You must be in a lot of pain."
I explain that I have a high tolerance for pain.
"You and your partner, you have the anal intercourse?"
I explain its an outtie.
"Because I know many men who come to see me have the anal intercourse, and the rectum is not always thrilled with the anal intercourse."
I explain its an outtie. Again.
"Hmmm," say he. "Ahh! How long you have the diverticulitis?"
I explain by saying years. We talk.
"That explain the the three BIG hemorrhoid."
He continues on to explain that he can't remove the hemorrhoids via ligation (the shoot a rubber band it the site and it cuts off the circulation, and the object dies and falls from the rectum wall) and that "we have to do little surgery."
I feel better, a little surgery, thats not bad.
"But these are just too engorged for the ligation."
And then my stomach dropped.
"Don't worry, its out patient."
He explained that since it has been ten years since my last colonoscopy, after which my doctor in Columbus, who I adored said "If the the rules were different I'd slap you on the ass and tell you that your were pig whistle clean. But I can't, so I will just say that you have a healthy colon without any abnormalities."
That doctor was cute. He could have slapped on on the ass. Instead I am giving my ass over to a 50 year old Italian who is a great surgeon, but gets zero points on the hunk-o-meter.
So this is where we are. First procedure is schedule for the 20th. Then we decide how to proceed on the other matter.
I mean nothing is so terrible that it can't be fixed. Still, I hate clear liquid diets. And it looks like I will be getting a number of them in the days ahead.