Monday, April 9, 2012
Love It or List It or Just Get the Fuck Away From Me
If you haven't guessed by now, its TV Rant Week on DHTISH.
Today my object of scorn is my new favorite thing to watch and yell at the TV over: HGTV's Canadian import Love It or List It.
Essentially, this show is all about The Drama. It has to be. There is no way that there are this many well to do stupid people in Canada. We're talking C-A-N-A-D-A, our better educated, cooler (in terms of culture and outdoor temperatures) neighbor to our north. I simply refuse to believe that there are any rude people up there. But in terms of drama, this is all mapped out, er excuse me, ooot.
The basis for this show is to take a couple who have outgrown their home - either literally or metaphorically. Into this comes a "realtor" and a "decorator" in the guise of David Visentin and Hilary Farr. Visentin is really whiny. And Hilary? She's just a cunt. But I love her. Seriously. Hilary is totally bitchin'.
During each show, one home owner wants to stay, one wants to go. Its the job of the realtor to find a place that the homeowners love and will choose over their own house. It's Hilary's job to redo the house and entice them to stay.
All of the couples are unlikeable. They lash out at Hilary and they belittle Visentin.
And the drama? In the middle of EVERY episode, something goes wrong back at the ranch and part of the renovation doesn't happen as promised. It's either the crappy sewage lines, or the crappy support column in the living room, but it always goes wrong. This brings out the worst in one of the home owners, but usually both.
And the angst, and the anger and the resentment and the lashing out tell us that either everyone involved with this farce is 40, going on six, or that our cooler neighbors to the north are just a bunch of fuckwits. Canadians are anything and everything, but unless you are talking about Vancouver hockey fans, they are not fuckwits.
And about this time you say to yourself "Fuck them both. They deserve what they get."
Get it? Got it? Good.
Well this evening, on an episode entitled Downsizing Debate we were treated to an old snippy queen named "Michael" and his thirty year younger partner "Jeff". Michael wants to move into something perfect and refuses to pay more than $400,000 (Canadian). Jeff wants to stay. And their present home had a bathroom in the master bedroom. Handy for sling play, but tacky.
But as the clock ticked on, it became very clear that these two old queens weren't fun.
They weren't clever.
They weren't even close to being entertainingly bitchy.
They were, however, every gay man's absolute nightmare.
Micheal is the type of homosexual that gives all of us a black eye. He is every negative gay stereotype rolled into one nasty, vile, spoiled, bitter old queen. And what came forth from Michael's mouth was beyond bitchy. If this man moved in next door to us, I would leave the neighborhood.
Jeffery, on the other hand, was totally overshadowed by his older "parent" in Michael, who came complete with Eurotrash accent and a vile temper. So we know that either Jeffery is a top, or he's total pussy whipped by his effete mincing and persnickety "husband".
Michael is the type of old queen that makes Boys in the Band look like Mel Brooks comedy. A funny Mel Brooks comedy.
In the end, they decided to ... either love it or list it, but I'm not going to ruin it for you.
Watch for yourself, and if you haven't thrown a rock through the TV screen, then pat yourself on the back. But you will, and trust me on this, agree - that Michael is a total CUNT.
I'm all for fun, but seldom have I wanted to get in the car and drive to Canada slap someone.
Because Hilary is the cunt on this show, and no one should ever out-cunt her.