Monday, April 9, 2012

Love It or List It or Just Get the Fuck Away From Me



If you haven't guessed by now, its TV Rant Week on DHTISH.

Today my object of scorn is my new favorite thing to watch and yell at the TV over: HGTV's Canadian import Love It or List It.

Essentially, this show is all about The Drama.  It has to be.  There is no way that there are this many well to do stupid people in Canada.  We're talking C-A-N-A-D-A, our better educated, cooler (in terms of culture and outdoor temperatures) neighbor to our north.  I simply refuse to believe that there are any rude people up there. But in terms of drama, this is all mapped out, er excuse me, ooot.

The basis for this show is to take a couple who have outgrown their home - either literally or metaphorically.  Into this comes a "realtor" and a "decorator" in the guise of  David Visentin and Hilary Farr.  Visentin is really whiny.  And Hilary?  She's just a cunt.  But I love her.  Seriously. Hilary is totally bitchin'.

During each show, one home owner wants to stay, one wants to go.  Its the job of the realtor to find a place that the homeowners love and will choose over their own house.  It's Hilary's job to redo the house and entice them to stay.

All of the couples are unlikeable.  They lash out at Hilary and they belittle Visentin.

And the drama? In the middle of EVERY episode, something goes wrong back at the ranch and part of the renovation doesn't happen as promised. It's either the crappy sewage lines, or the crappy support column in the living room, but it always goes wrong. This brings out the worst in one of the home owners, but usually both.

And the angst, and the anger and the resentment and the lashing out tell us that either everyone involved with this farce is 40, going on six, or that our cooler neighbors to the north are just a bunch of fuckwits.  Canadians are anything and everything, but unless you are talking about Vancouver hockey fans, they are not fuckwits.

And about this time you say to yourself "Fuck them both.  They deserve what they get."

Get it? Got it? Good.

Well this evening, on an episode entitled Downsizing Debate we were treated to an old snippy queen named "Michael" and his thirty year younger partner "Jeff".  Michael wants to move into something perfect and refuses to pay more than $400,000 (Canadian).  Jeff wants to stay.  And their present home had a bathroom in the master bedroom. Handy for sling play, but tacky.

But as the clock ticked on, it became very clear that these two old queens weren't fun.

They weren't clever.

They weren't even close to being entertainingly bitchy.

They were, however, every gay man's absolute nightmare.

Micheal is the type of homosexual that gives all of us a black eye.  He is every negative gay stereotype rolled into one nasty, vile, spoiled, bitter old queen.  And what came forth from Michael's mouth was beyond bitchy.  If this man moved in next door to us, I would leave the neighborhood.

Jeffery, on the other hand, was totally overshadowed by his older "parent" in Michael, who came complete with Eurotrash accent and a vile temper.   So we know that either Jeffery is a top, or he's total pussy whipped by his effete mincing and persnickety "husband".

Michael is the type of old queen that makes Boys in the Band look like Mel Brooks comedy.  A funny Mel Brooks comedy.

In the end, they decided to ... either love it or list it, but I'm not going to ruin it for you.

Watch for yourself, and if you haven't thrown a rock through the TV screen, then pat yourself on the back.  But you will, and trust me on this, agree - that Michael is a total CUNT.

I'm all for fun, but seldom have I wanted to get in the car and drive to Canada slap someone.

Why?

Because Hilary is the cunt on this show, and no one should ever out-cunt her.




65 comments:

  1. great...now you're making me want to totally watch this show.

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    1. It's like watching an accident happen. Everyone is on their worst behavior. Normally I love it, but I serious want to go to Canada and take this Michael's gay card away from him.

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    2. I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking this show is totally staged to be drama. It never fails that something goes wrong. I hate to hear the whining, bitching, rudeness, ad infinitum. I have enough drama and chaos in my own life to want to watch this contrived failure of a show.

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    4. I love Hillary and David, but whom I really ADORE is Fergus, the contractor

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    7. I think you have the hots for Fergus, no?

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  2. I'm not crazy about the show but in each episode the cunt manages to do a good job. My problem is the realtor queen. I can't stand him. He never finds anything interesting except for cookie cutter condos and in every instance the original house the couples live in is far better than what he cones up with.

    I always yell at the stupid couples when they opt for the condo.

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    1. Notice - I hardly mentioned him. I just ignore him.

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  3. Quote:
    "I'm all for fun, but seldom have I wanted to get in the car and drive to Canada slap someone."

    No? Not even if it's MJ? How odd. Enee-waay...

    BTW, this show is staged, much like MJ's fake breakups and gagging at the dinner table.

    In my household, I start it a la Hilary, "Are you going to love it?" and it's up to the other person to finish it..with...yeah you got it.

    What gets me is how Hilary stands like a tripod. It's so deliciously bad.

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  4. I'm in Canada so why not send me over to do your dirty work?

    *slaps Margaret in the meantime*

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    1. *Still standing on my tripod legs.*

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    2. If you can find him, go kick him in the shins, really HARD!

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  5. BTW, the same episode airs May 14, 2012, 11:00 PM e/p, May 14, 2012, 2:00 AM e/p.

    I dare you to watch this and tell me that this "Michael" is a normal person. He has issues.

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  6. Please do not judge all Canadians by the pretentious, arrogant, windbag Torontonians appearing on that show. It is filmed in one area in Toronto where time has stood still since 1951. Unfortunately, TV producers in Toronto love to hire spineless queens like Visentin or Stepin Fetchit fags like that Tommy Smythe (aka "Tammy") from HGTV's Sarah's House. They embarrass the hell out of me.

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    1. Plaza - I know that 99 and 44/100's of Canadians are good people. in fact, if US elects Rick Santorum President, the Husband I would love to move to Canada.

      And I personally LOVE how Tommy (I'm a Flying Monkey) Smythe's nose is the color of raw umber from being so far up Sarah's ass in every episode.

      But aside from the couple's on this show, this Michael (half of the Michael and Jeffery couple) was in a league of her own.

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  7. I've been watching this show lately and have no problem with Hilary or David. The couples involved, however, rarely show any redeeming qualities.

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    1. No problem with David? Even when he whines? You are a man for all seasons.

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  8. Hard to believe but the show was somewhat entertaining when it first came out here in Canada....especially if you were familiar with the Toronto real estate market and the price points they were looking at for both new digs or construction costs on their old one.

    What I could not STAND was that Hilary never factored in retaining walls, drainage work in the basements and old knob and tube wiring. HELLO, most of these houses were built 70-100 years ago! And David always takes them out of their area of choice or to see completely inadequate houses. The whole thing is so pantomimed you'll get sick of it, too.

    Watching this show...which I no longer do...was like watching "Ground Hog Day" with Bill Murray over and over again. Uggghhhh!

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    1. I can't stop watching it - its like an accident that keep happening over and over. That's what so great about it!

      But I agree when you raise the point that no accommodation is made for structural surprises, including dangerous situations:

      Hilary: "We encountered these raw knob and tube wires, and because this is a serious fire hazard, I won't be able to give you the spa en suite that I had promised."

      Homeowner 1: "Why didn't you plan for this?"

      Hilary: "We had no way of knowing that we would encounter this, and if left alone it will burn your house and your neighbors home down. it must be addressed."

      Homeowner 2: "Hilary, you have ruined everything." (And they storm out)

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    2. Le Cookie...you'z VERY good. You should write for the show...let me see if I can hook you up!

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  9. I especially hate the contrived dialogue that passes for "real" conversation.

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    1. But thats what makes this so damn funny - EVERYONE - knows its fake, and yet no one in production is willing to change it. It's just like Ground Hog Day, only different, and no Bill Murray.

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  10. I love you. I love you ALL!

    I hate this show like a mongoose hates a snake. I want to slap everybody on this show.

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  11. Lucky you USA has it's own version now...Renovate or Relocate, although the couples have to decide first what they want to do.

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    1. But the USA versions are NEVER as good as the Brits and the Canadians versions of the show. US television producers totally fucked up "What Not to Wear" and "Top Gear". They also fucked up Coupling, but I never loved the show in the first place.

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  12. I believe there's a new copycat show called Renovate or Relocate. There is a difference in that the couples choose there position first & then one or the other happens. It is much more tolerable to watch, and yes that whiny queen was a miserable cunt lol.

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  13. As both a renovator and a Real Estate agent, I enjoy the show, but I do agree with the comment about how she always seems to uncover some tragedy that costs extra. She may well be a great designer but anyone involved in renovations, especially on older homes, has to do their homework and investigate before quoting a budget. Maybe they do it for the drama, but she does have a contractor who seems to know what he's doing, so no excuse.

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    1. Incorrect. Hillary *always* gets the budget from the homeowner, at the same time the other homeowner declares the price point for the new house. I've only been watching for the past few weeks, but that's the current formula. I'm led to believe they [the homeowners] don't actually pay for the reno. What would be the point of a reality show where the subject pays for something (obviously they'd *have* to pay for the new house, *if* they list.)

      Most of the wives on this show and House Hunters [generally] make me want to reach into the TV and strangle them....

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    2. I personally tell friends that if you home is:

      1) under 40 years old, look at you renovation budget and then reserve 10-15% for emergency issues that arrive in the "heavy construction" phase. If you don't find anything unpleasant, then save that money for a rainy day, use it pay a chuck of your HELOC that you used for your renovation -OR- use it for upgraded finishing elements (high quality door knobs, better faucets, etc.)

      2) if you house is 41-100 years, reserve out 25% of you budget for these unexpected finds, because they are there and they will rear their ugly faces either at the start, or a year or two after the work is done.

      3) And to everyone - there isn't one person who needs a bathroom so large that you can fit a richly upholstered chaise lounge into it. If you need to luxuriate in the same room where people lay their pipe (or don't some friends off for a swim, or evacuate their bowels) you have a problem, and you have too much money for your own good.

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  14. The show assumes the sale of the house in time to pass papers on the new house. Where do they get a bridge loan. This is a crazy show, how many people actually sell their house and buy the new one. Any guesses

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  15. Hilary is basically incompetent at bidding the jobs. If I did that I would be out of business. She always tells the couple, "I am 100% confident" or "I am absolutely sure" that she will be able to make them love their current home and stay. Then she finds "issues" that destroy the budget. "Sorry, I won't be able to renovate your kitchen or finish the basement after all, however we found these pretty curtains for your daughter's room...."

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    1. Homeowner: I want an open floor plan, I want a master suite, I want a closet as big as Montana, I want stainless steel, I want the floor to our basement dropped so we can add a pinball room and a home theater and I must have a room for my wrapping paper and I want...and your budget is $55,000.

      Hillary: "Well that will be a challenge, but I think we can get you most of what you want."

      And then she puts the master bedroom closet in the freaking BASEMENT!

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  16. As someone once associated with the show (I was part of the production crew on it's third season when the M & J episode shot ) I think you might like to know a few facts about it as you have gulped it down hook line and sinker and are seriously addicted to the notion that is for real. It is not.

    1) The show is mostly scripted with a formula that always has one person wanting to move and the other wanting to stay with some Hilary or David melodrama mixed in for good measure. You recognized that.

    2) The Michael and Jeffery episode has been repeated numerous times to great success in Canada and in the United Kingdom for the last three years before airing in the US.

    3) The characters that Michael and Jeffery portray are absolutely nothing like the actual men they are. Both are in fact very nice people who had a ball playing against type. Michael happens to be a very good friend of the producers and they wanted to feature a gay couple and by doing so break some new ground.
    However it is gratifying to see that in spite all of your protestations as to how you disliked Michael and Jeffery , you willfully watched the episode until the bitter end which of course is the main intent of the producers.

    4)As enervating as they may seem, Michael and Jeff knew exactly what they were doing and had great fun doing it. They never had any intention of listing the house. The renovation was exactly what they wanted in the first place. I still believe they are happily living in it.

    On a final note, I couldn't help but think that you yourself have some serious issues especially with your over-use of the word "cunt" especially as it pertains to how you use it to call Michael and Hilary. It has been my experience that usually the vilest and bitchiest of unhappy homosexuals make it prominent in their vocabulary for lack of imagination. It also would take one normally to recognize one, however seeing that you don't posess one and that I do, you do not add any wit or credibility to yourself by being derogatory. If anything it makes you sound like a very unfunny Mel Brooks, and I agree with you, he really is funny which makes you very not.

    Love from Canada,

    Petra

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    1. Petra, thanks for the exposing the show for what it is.

      You wrote your response because you wanted (or is it needed?) to explain the show, and you wanted to tell me that I have a very foul mouth. Point taken. But beyond that my only recommendation to you would be write something, put it away, and then go back to it. Because in your haste to lord over me your rightous indignation, you also "outted" your former employer as a fake and a fraud, haven't you!

      But let us leave this little encounter on a high note, and while you may think that saying that I sounded like an unfunny Mel Brooks (Mel Brooks' History of the World Part I* unfunny), I take that as a very high compliment. Why? Because anytime, anyone compares you to a genius like Brooks, even in his worst moments, it is a very high compliment, indeed.

      Hugs all around!

      Cookie

      PS - you may want to talk to MJ over on The Infomaniac Blog about the use of Cunt over there. I'm sure it would send you into a fit of dyspepsia.

      *http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082517/

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  17. I hate this show...no wait...i love this show...no....i hate it......

    Thats how i spend the time watching it. I hate everyone on it....but secretly love hilary when she gives the owners the bad news....despit all the bitxhing at her...she just shrugs it off.....

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    1. Watching this is sorta like Faye Dunaway being slapped silly at the end of Chinatown ("She's my daughter, she's my sister, she's my daughter...") ain't it.

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    1. Now Thombeau - be nice, or that Petra woman will write you a nasty gram since she has now duly promoted herself the Internet Police for this show.

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  19. I'm watching this episode on W Network RIGHT NOW. OMFG You are SPOT-ON with every single thing you said about these two. They make me ashamed to be (a) gay, and (b) a member of the same Toronto gay community. I pray I see these two out in the wild, so I can sling faeces at them!

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    1. Thank you for giving me the reality check. I'm sure it wasn't their best day, or week or month or year.

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  20. David annoys the shit out of me....he's the crappiest real estate agent I've ever heard of.

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    1. I don't think he's a bad agent. I think he has been given 1) Clients with scripted impossible expectations, and 2) Clients who have been scripted to expect a Mercedes when they only have enough for a Chevy, if you get what I mean.

      I think he's smart. He knows how to catch the gravy train and let it ride.

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  21. The only reason I watch is to see Fergus. Oh, and Desta. She always gives Hilary a "Really?" look when they go over the plans. But doesn't Hilary watch Mike Holmes or Scott McGillivray to learn about structural issues? I know I do.

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    1. I never thought of that, but you have a point. Just once I would loveto see this show go down, they bring Holmes in who smacks down the owner, and then they could invite Sarah and her Flying Monkey assistent in to help people expect more by spending less.

      And then Mike Holmes could top the Real Estate Agent so that matter would be settled.

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  22. I love catching up on the comments of this continuing drama. You should start a blog about it already...

    The show is now on a HGTV rotating cycle of omnipresence, I wake up to it, I go to bed by it, etc. I have to say that of all the formulaic programs in the HGTV round-up this one is the codependent dysfunctional odd one of the bunch. Hillary and David trade pithy barbs then the clients beat Hillary for not seeing obvious hidden pitfalls and then they beat David for an obvious lack of lavish, underpriced inventory in their price range. Then the couples grumble in the distance. Then Hillary turns out a wonderful result and David (only lately) finds one home that really does make you wanna list it. Then the couple punches either David or Hillary in the eye by saying that they are going to LOVE or LIST it. Then David and Hillary exchange venom and it starts over in an hour or so.

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    1. You forgot the hissing. They always have lots of hissing.

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    2. I thought a blog to savage these episodes, but I don't want to encourage these people.

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  23. I love this show - yes it is BS drama but I do love it - the show with Colin and Beth - she is prego and he is a total jerk - what do they do after he was a total ass wipe and he tortured Hillary over floors... they stay - I hope Hillary left dead shrimp in the bedroom ceiling!!!

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    1. Ha, that guy was a real peach. I realize it's all engineered drama, but I couldn't believe what a complete tool that guy was.

      At least every other episode of this show, I wonder if the couple will break up/divorce.

      I love it.

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    2. I want to know how they face their friends afterward. "So Tony, how much did they pay to act like a total douche bag?"

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  24. So who do we ask to stop the madness? I don't like watching it any more. But when I do I press the mute button...

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    1. Call someone on the show a CUNT. It tends to get attention around here.

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  25. Could you all stop saying Cunt? Just for a little while? Females in the house don't appreciate it! That said, I perversely love Hillary & David. The comment about Hillary as Tripod is precious. She has a wonderful design eye, some of which I try to copy. However, the camera never stays on the new designs long enough to study details. Mostly I want to whack the wives on HGTV shows who brag how they always "win" against their husbands, as the men cringe into the floorboards. Revolting. And then we got the lovely Property Brothers ....hey, on HGTV you learn a few things and have loads of fun.

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    1. You think the Property Brothers are cute? The only HGTV-C personality that I would love to do is Scott McGillivray. Don't even get me started with how adorable he is.

      OK, because you, Francine, asked nicely, I shall not use that word in this post, again. However I reserve the right to use it in the future on another post.

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  26. Apparently the locale where the Show is produced has a delicious wealth of period Craftsman style homes....Hillary should be pilloried every time she vandalizes a beautiful old interior....timeless elements that she considers "hideous" are what sell houses here in northern California. I'd love to be a fly on the wall in ten years when someone looks at one of her design projects and says, "Eeew!It's so 2012-ish!" Tee Hee!

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    1. I am so sick of her painting all those brick fireplaces!

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  27. As a woman, I don't mind you calling anyone a cunt. I actually giggle every time I read it :)

    Now back to the show. I think they need to change up the script to keep me interested. Does everyone need the finished basement? Oh, and as someone with kids, I think open floor plans suck! Why the heck would I want one giant room so I can hear every noise they make? Give mama some privacy please, and keep the damn walls up.

    Is David really whiny or does he just have a bitchy look? I have a real love/hate relationship with him. Maybe I have a love/hate relationship with the show period.

    Great recap and funny as hell.

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    1. I adore you.

      You raise a good point. But have you noticed how the show is kinda stuck? Almost every house that these folks are bitching about are 1) Older than 50 years 2) Built upon their next door neighbors. I see patterns!

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  28. Imbalanced people! My husband and I watch the show all the time. We are able to watch and enjoy the show regardless of the different personalities. I stumbled on this forum/site andI can't believe how immature some here are while they talk able how immature people on the show are. Lmbo

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    1. And you would THINK that after being on the air for a couple of years that they could jiggle up the mix.

      You know what would be GREAT? If Hillary had too much money, everything went smoothly UNTIL the owners saw that she had started a project that they didn't want. Now that would be sweet!

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