Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I don't know what to feel, DAMN IT!
Today is November 24th.
My mother died fifteen days ago. There is no one left that remembers life as I remember it.
My birthday was was two days ago. Someone fucking do something for me.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. After that, it is not.
What am I going through?
I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm numb.
I am trying to come to grips with the most important parent in my life not being there.
I am sick of people telling me how I should feel - that I should allow myself to cry and grieve.
I am sick to death of all the same people who are telling me that I should now be happy that it was my birthday.
I want to throttle those who ask tell me how difficult it must be knowing a place at the table is now empty.
Do these people really think I am that stupid that I don't know these things? Knowing isn't the same as feeling.
I am, at this, junction FEELING lots of stuff.
I can't turn on the tears because you feel I should. And once the tears flow, I just can't shut them off and be "happy" its my birthday.
I am not a fucking floor lamp. You can't clap me off and then clap on again.
I feel cheated.
I feel like the world is fucking me over.
I have all these things that need to be done but I can't fucking focus on anything.
I want to punch the fuck out of someone.
I can't explain this rage, but I can.
I am, for the first time in 48 years, I'm an orphan and will be until I die.
I'm afraid. I'm scared. I am unable to control what I thought I could control.
I FUCKING HATE WHERE I AM IN LIFE.
I will survive.
But its Hell getting there.