Tomorrow, I am having the first great love of my life, Bertie - my 17 year old Jack Russell Terrier, put down. Old age has taken its toll on her. Her eyes are no longer sharp, her hearing is no longer good and ever move she makes is full of the pain of old age - a concept that dogs just don't get since they live very Zen lives. To her, life is not reflective - she can't look back at her life and remember how great she felt in her youth and compare that to the aches and pains of old age. Life is in the moment, and without being able to look back or forward, life for her is now a life of old age pain. It just is waht is. But the deciding factor really came down to two things, all of the issues of old age combine into one thing, and then there is her "lostness" in the world around her. She no long recognizes where she is in the house. Some nights she just stands alone in the kitchen looking out into the distance, preferring not to interact, but wait for something that will never come. There is not much quality of life in that.
I keep telling myself that I need to be strong, but then I wonder if being strong means being cold. I'm ending a life tomorrow. I have to get through this, even though she won't.
The romantic in me - the one who holds onto to sappy hopes, wishes and dreams, hopes that when my time comes that there is an after life. I'll want to see her and hold her again.
I just need to get through this moment, this evening, this night and then I'll deal with the tomorrows because unlike the dogs in our lives and in our hearts and in our memories, that's what we people have to do..